How to Become a CALM Parent | Therapist-Approved Tips
Ever promised yourself you’d stay calm and then exploded two minutes later? You’re not alone. And this episode is your reset. [Music] So, we’ve all been there. We swore we’d stay calm, we wouldn’t yell, and then we lose our stuff. I have a famous full mom freak out that I had at BJ’s about 10 years ago. Who knows where that is, but it will show up at some point. But it’s true. I mean, we all do this, right? So, why do we react even when we know better? We try to tell ourselves it’s not going to happen. Well, the main reason why is stress hijacks our preffrontal cortex. That’s our thinking brain. And when you are in a stressed state state, your nervous system is trying to protect you and it’s making your frontal loes go off your line, offline. And that means you’re going to just be more angry and easily irritated. And our child’s behavior when we already have a nervous system that’s activated because we’re not caring for it can really trigger our stuff. Yeah, many people walk around with unresolved stuff. Right? So, it’s not your stuff that triggers you. It’s the unresolved stuff. It’s the stuff you haven’t dealt with that you think, well, I’ve got a great job and my husband’s nice or my wife’s nice or whatever it is. I live in a nice house. That stuff couldn’t really matter. But sometimes it really does. And our kids can trigger so many things in our subconscious. And let’s face it, when we have a kid who’s dysregulated, you might not have a history of anything and you’re just triggered by them. So, what do we do in those moments? First, we’re going to talk about what to say and then we’re going to talk about how to stop this reactivity cycle. So, first of all, what do you do instead of yelling, right? So, you need to first reframe in yourself. You need to say, “This isn’t about me. It’s a disregulated brain in front of me or it’s not defiance, it’s dysregulation. When we in our comm’s protocol, the A is avoiding personalizing. When we stop personalizing the behavior, I swear to the Lord Jesus or whoever else you believe in, it’s going to be easier because we don’t get irritated by other kids behavior in that same way because we don’t personalize their behavior. So we have to reduce that right you can say you know my calm is their calm right and I can breathe first and speak second you need to figure out some darn mantra so you stop the reactivity right now your kid’s really losing it you’ve tried all these things and it’s still we’re still in a cycle you can say to your kid I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now I’m going to take a moment so I can get calm Now, you’re not telling your kid to get calm. You’re letting your kid know we can pause. We can take a moment and we can regulate, right? Um, you can also say, “I can see you’re upset. Let’s take a break together and go for a walk.” Right? And you can just shift gears because if you try to go in when they’re hot, forget about it. Or you’re hot. You’re not going to get any resolution. You’re going to get caught in this, right? And so what do we never say to kids? You never say things like, “You always do this. Your sister never acts like this. Um, why can’t you just behave? Why can’t you just listen?” Or, you know, just get out of my sight. Now, you can say, like I said, I need a moment to myself so I can pull myself together. You don’t want to use a lot of words with kids that are disregulated. Now, if you have you’ve listened to other episodes and you um or you’re part of our, you know, uh you know, programs and you, you know, you’ve gotten our quick comm um or which goes really into depth on my comm’s protocol. You can go to drrossan.com and then the words quickcom together. Um it’s literally $19 to help you get started to 7 days better regulation. Um, but you can go to drrossroan.comhelp to take our solution matcher to get matched to the right solution. But if you’ve been listening, right, and you know, trying to figure out what do I what do I do first is you’ve got to reset yourself first, right? But now you know you’ve gotten into some of these things. This is what I should say. This is what I shouldn’t say. The main takeaway is you need to pause. Okay? Pause without yapping on your end. Let your kid, your teenager say whatever they want. Think of it as you are in a bubble or you have earplugs in and you can’t hear it. Don’t react. Right now, obviously, if somebody’s unsafe, you need to say, “Stop. We are not doing that.” Right? And then pull away. We don’t we don’t want to, you know, get into a lecture. But how do we prevent this reactivity cycle? First, you want to notice signs of stress, right? So, are you having, you know, your breath is off, you’re clench clenching your muscles, you’re racing thoughts, you feel your blood sugar drop. That tends to be like my biggest um trigger to be honest and I um I sometimes like completely forget to eat when I’m really busy and it could be like four o’clock and I’m like, “Oh, I never ate today.” And how I’ll pay attention is I’ll feel a little off or I’ll have a word retrieval issue. So then all of a sudden you go in like recently I was getting pizza. They messed up on my order. They um you know they they did give me the gluten-free. Then they put cheese on everything. And then the the AC guys called and told me that two out of three of my air conditioners. Then they gave me the estimate for that. And then some the brothers were kicking were y were about to go down in the car. And I was like, “Kids, I have not eaten today and it’s 2:30. I don’t have patience for this.” And they were like, “Okay.” Like, they knew, you know, and it was good. And it was good. And I was like, “We will resume this.” Okay. And and so now they’re they’re young adults, right? So they’re not babies. Um but my kids knew that if I like laid it down, because usually I’d be like, “All right, let’s talk this through.” Um, but when think about what are your stressors, right? Um, preload your day with calm buffers. Like calm doesn’t just happen, people. You’ve got to do things, you know, do, you know, uh, breathing breaks, the 60-second breathing break, or maybe you respond to cold water on the back of your neck. I hate that. Um, I have one of those things that you heat up in the microwave and you put it around your neck and it’s hot. That is like drugs for me. I love that thing. My kids make fun of me and they try to hide it and stuff and I’m like where where is my neck heater? And it just brings me into a relaxed state. I love it. Right. Um movement. I am not the same without movement. I need movement multiple times in a day. Um just makes me feel better. I do a lot of stretching. Um and I also do a lot of body weight exercises. You know, 100 reps of things. just feel like a different human being with that really helps me to get into myself. Um I have a lot of other tricks, right? So again, especially when you have a disregulated kid and you’re forget if your kid is either on the withdrawal side, the inattentive side or on the on the aggressive explosive side, either one is incredibly stressful. It’s just that when you have an externalizer like I do, you have embarrassing moments in front of other people. I get it right. Um so look to you know before a known trigger um you have to say things to yourself like inside this trigger is my stuff and I will get through it. I will not lose my stuff. Um I also ask for help like I pray a lot. Um I pray a lot to Gabriel. Gabriel is an archangel that you can ask him to help the other person hear you. Um I use him all the time. Um whatever religious belief you are, prayer can be really helpful. Prayer does not negate action by the way. Like just FYI, all my all my Christian homeschoolers, I still need you to do stuff, right? But prayer is amazing and you can stay really positive by doing that. So after the moment passes and you’ve lost it, you need to say to yourself, was I hungry? Was I tired? Am I having a permenopausal moment? Am I overwhelmed? What happened? What happened before I snap? What was I feeling? Did this like trigger my childhood stuff? Um like am I super hung up that my kid needs me to ask them to do things three times? Like what is it? Right? And then say to yourself, what support do I need? Do I need somebody to teach me what to say to my kid? Do I need help being more regulated? And make a proactive plan. Like, you know, the the football team doesn’t just go out on the on the, you know, field and say, “Let’s play this.” They have plays. They have a coach. They’re figuring it out. You need a tactical plan when you have kids that disregulate, right? And sometimes I’m just going to say sometimes you are the problem and you are so agitated that you’re making your kid anxious and I and I don’t mean that with any negativity. Right? So what do you do to rebuild the trust after a blow up? Right? So first of all, kids have a right to an apology, right? You can say, “I’m sorry. I lost my temper.” That’s on me, not you. You can say, “I’m working harder to change that.” Or you can say, “We are both losing it with each other. What can we do to stop this?” Like, and your kid might say, “I don’t know.” And you can say, “How about we work on calming down our our body and our brain, right?” You know, uh, kids get it. They love it. I I could have kids as young as 2 years old or three years old and they will get like, “Oh, my brain feels hot or need to to calm. I need to regulate.” But you have to actually do something about it. Um, you know, and and I think kids need to hear, I want you to know I love you and that you’re safe and that even mommies and daddies mess up sometimes or grandmas and grandpas. Um, and I’m learning just like you, you know. Um, and it’s okay to say that. Doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. In fact, you’re showing the your kids exactly what you want from them. And softness does not mean you agree with behavior. It’s love. And you can never go wrong with love, right? You know, it’s so amazing when you think about your words and how much they mean to you. Like, people go out of their way, thank you, to write me nice things on my YouTube or send me an email. And I just want you to know what a difference that makes for me. And I just to know that I’m having that kind of an impact is really helpful. So, think about your kid right now. Kids will forget the negative stuff if it stops. If that’s your go-to, you you need help, right? So, repair teaches your child that, you know, when you make these statements that even when things go south on their end or your end that you can repair things, right? It it builds emotional literacy for them for their future relationships. You’re modeling reflection, accountability. You’re also modeling that you can say sorry, right? And that relationships have ups and downs and that um you know, as long as a relationship shifts that you’re teaching them in a positive, that you’re teaching them it’s okay to have relationships that have ups and downs. We’d also don’t want to teach them that it’s okay to be in a relationship that’s always conflict because then they’re going to be a bum magnet, as Filamina would say. Um, so you know, you can’t model calm if your nervous system is in survival mode. You must rewire it. It’s not about being a perfect parent. It’s really about regulating first so you can approach your child with love and get out of this reactivity cycle. And it’s also okay to sometimes feel like you’re drowning. And that’s really when you need help, right? Um, and so losing it doesn’t make you a bad parent. I’ve even done it many times. But you’ve got to pull back if this is happening too much and regulate and then respond because that’s the foundation. The foundation of your relationship is about co-regulation. And you know, even when your kid’s 25, they’re going to need you to co-regulate. It’s going to be a lot easier when they’re 25. Um, but you know, this is a skill and you can learn this. You’re practicing it, right? None of us knew what parenting was. Maybe I had a little more insight. Um, but you know, you can stay calm. Don’t don’t give up. You just have to regulate and think about how you’re approaching your kid. Give yourself patience, grace, and start building a connective relationship with your child. And if you want more support, you can go to drross rosanne.com/help. And that’s our solution matcher. And it’s going to match you to the right solution for where you’re at. or insights and solutions. Well, subscribe to our Disregulation Insider and it will show up in your inbox every week. [Music]
How to become a calm parent? It doesn’t mean you never lose your cool—it means you know how to regulate yourself so you can guide your child through life’s storms.
In this episode, Dr. Roseann unpacks the science of nervous system regulation and why your calm is the single most powerful tool you have as a parent. You’ll learn practical, brain-based strategies to manage your own emotions, model healthy coping, and help your child feel safe and understood.
✨ What you’ll discover in this episode:
– Why calm is contagious—and how your nervous system impacts your child’s
– Simple daily practices to regulate your own emotions
– How to co-regulate with a dysregulated child
– The “80% awesome” approach to parenting (and why perfection isn’t the goal)
– Ways to create a peaceful home environment that supports emotional growth
When you calm your brain first, everything else in parenting falls into place. 🌿
✅ Quick Calm: 7 Days to a More Regulated Child ✨
Help your child find calm and balance in just one week with our proven tools and framework https://drroseann.com/quickcalm?utm_source=YouTube
✅ Take My 3-Min Assessment To Find Out What Your Child’s Brain Needs [Free Brain & Behavior Solutions Matcher]: https://drroseann.com/help/?utm_source=YouTube
✅ Get weekly calm parenting tips straight to your inbox [The Dysregulation Insider]: https://drroseann.com/newsletter/?utm_source=YouTube
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🟣 ABOUT DR. ROSEANN CAPANNA-HODGE:
I’m Dr. Roseann, Founder of The Global Institute of Children’s Mental Health and host of the “It’s Gonna Be OK!” podcast. For over 30 years, I’ve helped thousands of families address emotional dysregulation and dysregulated behaviors in children through my BrainBehaviorReset® program. As a psychologist, author, and mom of two neurodivergent boys, I know firsthand the struggles you face as a parent. The journey to helping your child regulate their emotions begins with understanding and connection. My mission is to provide science-backed, brain-based tools that foster lasting calm, emotional resilience, and happy families. Subscribe to this channel for new solutions every week on managing your child’s focus, anxiety and dysregulated behaviors naturally.
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🔗 CONNECT WITH US
⦿ Invite Dr. Roseann to speak to your audience. Email: drroseann@drroseann.org
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