Understand Love Language & Temperament to Create Lasting Relationships

Understand Love Language & Temperament to Create Lasting Relationships

Hey there everybody. Welcome to today’s presentation on love languages and temperament. I am your host Dr. Donnisee Snipes. In this presentation, we’re going to continue from what we talked about in Tuesday’s class with setting healthy boundaries and creating healthy relationships to really understanding ourselves and our partners and improving communication. We’re going to start by identifying the characteristics of each dimension of temperament and how awareness of temperament can improve relationships as well as improve your stress level. We will also finish by learning about love languages and how those love languages can be used to enhance relationships. And we’ll explore how temperament and love languages actually kind of dovetail with one another. remember that people’s temperament is somewhat inborn. When a baby is born, and I can tell you from both of my children, um they were born with very different temperaments. My son, you could set your clock by him from the time he was an infant, when he would go to sleep, how long he would sleep, when he would be hungry. He had a very rigid clock and he always liked structure. Um when he started preschool, I’ll never forget one of my favorite stories. Um he went to preschool and normally at 8:00 they had circle time. Well, on this particular day, it was somebody’s birthday and the parent had brought in goodies and stuff so they could have a little bit of a birthday celebration at 8 o’clock. And Shawn just was not going to leave the circle rug. And his teacher tried to coax him over to where they were having the birthday party. And he’s like, “No, Miss Jessica, 8:00 is circle time. We need to do circle time.” And he was very distressed by the fact that there was this sudden unplanned change. He’s gotten a little less rigid through the years, but he is still very structured about what he does and he likes to have advanced warning for what’s going on. My daughter’s somewhat the same way. She adjusts to um things a little bit better than my son, but she’s very much like me where she likes to have routine and structure. Now, in terms of temperament, uh my daughter tends to be very much an introvert. She gets exhausted when she’s around a whole bunch of people. She gets she’ll even tell me when she was younger, she we would come home from shopping or whatever and he she would tell me, “Too much extroverting today. I need to go to my room and have some quiet time.” Okay. As long as you recognize what your preferences and temperament are. So, it’s been interesting watching these two young people grow up and be very different in terms of their temperament. Now, temperament is comprised of four dimensions. Environment and energy is the first one and that is the EI, the extrovert versus introvert. And remember that temperament is along a continuum. One is not good or bad. They are just very different. They’re polar opposites. The great thing is if you’re in a relationship with somebody who shares your temperament, you know, you’re going to be like peas in a pot. If you are in a relationship with someone who has the opposite temperament, they actually often may have somewhat of a moderating effect, keeping you from going too far in one direction or the other. So, you can be in relationships with people with completely opposite temperaments. My husband and I are totally polar opposites in our temperament and that’s why we work so well together in the business. Um he is much has much more attention to detail. He’s much more of a um thinker type person, a factoriented type person where I tend to be more emotional. Um he tends to be able to adopt or um adjust when things don’t go well. When something happens, the website goes down or something. I don’t drop back and punt well. If something unexpected happens, it throws me for a loop. So, we balance each other. We synergize beautifully. So, the first dimension as I mentioned is environment and energy or your extrovert and your introvert. The second dimension and there are four dimensions is what I call mental conceptualization. Sensors, the S people tend to focus on bottom up. They focus on details. They’re the people who when they’re doing a puzzle, they don’t look at the picture. They want to put the puzzle together and be surprised. Uh the intuittors are the dreamers. We are the top-down people. We tend to think in terms of the big picture and then deconstruct. Again, with the puzzles, when I do puzzles, I like to be able to see what I’m working on so I can have an idea where the different pieces go within the big picture. A sensor doesn’t need that. Sensors tend to be more focused on details and may miss the big picture. Intuittors tend to be more focused on the big picture and may miss the details. Again, in business, you know, my husband and I balance each other out so well that way because he’s much more of a detail person and I am the one that comes up with these grand ideas and I can just say make it so. The third dimension is what I call motivation and meaning. In temperament terms, this is thinkers versus feelers. Now, there’s a common misconception that thinkers are insensitive, that they don’t feel things, and that is so not true. They just react differently and they’re motivated by things differently than feelers are. Thinkers are motivated motivated by facts and justice where feelers tend to be motivated by harmony and compassion. And I will, you know, give you some anecdotes as we go through about the difference between being a thinker and a feeler. But what in terms of relationships, it’s important to know how your significant other conceptualizes things. If I want to motivate my husband, if I want to convince him about something, I present the facts and how it makes logical sense. If he wants to convince me to do something, he pres presents the u reasons that it’s going to make people happier and it’s going to, you know, make my heart happy. That motivates me more so necessarily than facts. Now, I will say on temperament, most people are not purely one or purely the other. Some people you will have some characteristics of each dimension, but you’re probably going to be more one than the other. Time management and structure is the fourth dimension. And in terms of temperament, they call that judging versus perceiving. Judgers tend to be very structured and really like to have schedules and routine and they don’t adapt well to sudden changes. Perceivers tend to like things that are much more spa- spontaneous and they have difficulty managing their time if it is too controlled. If they are being micromanaged, they get very frustrated. They need to have a little latitude. Again, you’re going to learn more about how these things apply as we go through the different things. But I want you to conceptualize again the temperament. Each person has four dimensions. The first is the environment that they prefer and where they draw their energy from. The second dimension is how they conceptualize things. Do they focus on the big picture or the details? The third dimension is how they find motivation. What motivates them and how they make meaning out of what when things happen? Whether they focus on the facts and the logical consequences or they focus on their heart and harmony. And the fourth dimension is how people prefer to manage their time. Judgers really tend to like to have structure and predictability. Perceivers really like spontaneity. And you can see how when you have people in relationships in with opposite temperament preferences, there’s going to have to be a little bit of communication and compromise. Let’s start out by talking about the first dimension, the environment dimension. Extroverts versus introverts. Extroverts tend to be expansive and less passionate. They are people who want to know a little bit about everything. They are thirsty for knowledge and they just they want to dabble. They want to try things and that’s awesome. An introvert also thirsts for knowledge but they want to do the deep dive. they are going to learn about one thing and learn about it intensely. Um, when my children were born, my son was a micro preeie and when he was born, I earn I I ordered just about every book I could find on parenting preeies off of Amazon at that point in time. And I just read and read and read and tried to learn and tried to connect with people. You know, this was before the internet was super big. So, there were fewer resources online. I was actually using paper books. Oh my gosh. Believe that. So, to a certain extent, I am an introvert there. I’m kind of in the middle on the EI continuum, if you will. Extroverts are really easy to get to know partly because they love to talk and they talk and think at the same time. they are and and they love meeting new people. Introverts also like to talk. It’s not that they are antisocial. That’s another misconception. Introverts are very social people. They are intense people though. They can be a little bit difficult to get to know because they have to exert more effort to meet people. They are more aware of what’s going on inside them. So, when they’re in an environment with a lot of people, keeping track and being aware of all those non-verbals and what’s going on can be exhausting. There’s just so much input that’s bombarding them. Introverts tend to need downtime every day. They need a little time to stop and regroup. Extroverts, on the other hand, are more aware of what’s going on around them than inside them. So, if people around you are energetic and enthusiastic, you’re going to draw energy from them. I tend to be an extrovert. I love being in, you know, I love going to the gym to work out versus working out by myself. I draw energy just from being around those people, even if I don’t talk to them. Just considering what stresses one person out when we have celebrations at our house. My husband is very much an introvert. when he wants to celebrate something. He wants to go to dinner. He wants to have quality time. He wants to maybe do a double date. But more than four or five people starts to get overwhelming for him. It’s not that he doesn’t like people. It’s just in terms of having to manage the energy expenditure. It gets very draining for him when there are more people than that. My daughter is the same way. I tend to be more on the extroverted side. I love being around people. So, for celebrations, I like going out to restaurants. I like uh being around a lot of people. You know, having 15 or 20 of my closest friends come over. That’s what I prefer. When I am thinking about, okay, how can I do something nice for my husband? It is important for me to remember what his temperament is. And we’re going to talk about love languages a little bit later, but for example, quality time for spending quality time with him would be a small group of people or just the two of us, for example. And quality time for me might be something a little bit more active or interactive. Extroverts tend to figure things out while we talk. We talk and think at the same time. Sometimes it’s like there’s no filter as we’re thinking. We’re just uh narrating what we’re thinking as we go. When I get upset, for example, I need to talk it out. I don’t want to go sit and think. Um but if there’s nobody around, I talk to my dog. I will tell you. Um or at least, you know, I tell people I’m talking to my dog as opposed to just talking to myself. But I talk it out. That is part of my extroverted nature. Introverts are processing things, but they like to go somewhere and think and process what’s going on and then come talk about it. So, if you’ve got an extrovert and an introvert in a relationship, it’s important to recognize that the introvert, if there’s something going on, the introvert may need some quiet time to go think about what’s going on and then come to the discussion. The extrovert is really going to want to talk about it right now. Both partners have to be compassionate with one another. The introvert needs to say something like, “Okay, give me 30 minutes. I just give me a 30 minutes to think about it and then we will talk.” So the extrovert’s not going, “Okay, you know, when can we work this out?” The extrovert may need to have a friend that they call and talk to or a dog that they call and talk to or talk to themselves or just distract themselves using distress tolerance skills until the introvert is ready to talk. But by giving a time limit, the extrovert’s not left h hanging, but the introvert isn’t going to be interrupted. Which takes us to our next issue. Extroverts don’t mind being interrupted at all. They since they are, you know, pretty expansive. They’re aware of what’s going on around them. When they are interrupted, it’s not jarring to them. Introverts, on the other hand, tend to be doing that deep dive. They know what’s going on around going on inside of them. So, when something interrupts them, it kind of jars them outside out of themselves again, out of their own head. And that can be stressful for the introvert. Introverts also because they’re doing that deep dive have a hard time switching gears instantaneously because of an interruption. Recognizing that an extrovert can work for example um in a in the dining room. an introvert may need to go to an office or you know their space where they can have some quiet time and it’s just important in terms of stress management for both people to recognize what’s going on if you do have an introvert in the relationship recognizing that they dislike being interrupted. So figuring out how to um adjust what’s going on. for example, if you’ve got a young child in the house, children don’t understand time limits and not interrupting or anything. Uh so it’s important to make sure that maybe the extrovert is willing to handle child duty while the introvert is doing something and then when it’s time for the introvert to do child duty, that is what they’re focusing on. So they’re not having to try to switch gears back and forth, back and forth. Extroverts are considered great talkers and introverts tend to be good listeners. That again that doesn’t mean that introverts don’t talk but extroverts are great at making small talk about anything. Introverts get bored very easily with small talk. They want to do a deep dive. They want to have an intense discussion or not bother with it at all because again when they are communicating that is sort of an extroverted action that takes energy from an introvert and if they are communicating about something that they are passionate about then they may you know uh build that energy. if they feel like they’re having to, you know, claw their way through the conversation, it can be exhausting for them. So, just recognizing introverts tend to be more aware of what’s going on in their own head and in their own bodies and being around others and interacting with others. While they like to do it, they want to do it in smaller groups and they tend to be more intense about things. thinking about, you know, looking at these characteristics. Just look at how you are. And that will help you understand environments that stress you out versus environments that make you feel calmer and more content. What do you prefer? What does your significant other prefer? What do your children prefer? And that will help you understand what increases stress and can decrease stress in each of you. The next dimension, remember, is what I call conceptualization. The sensing versus the intuitive. Sensors tend to be practical and realistic. They prefer facts and live in the real world. They’re generally content, would rather do than think, focus on practical, concrete problems. They see the details, but may ignore the big picture. They want specifics and tend to be somewhat literal. and may believe that intuittors are impractical. They’re too dreamy. Intuititors, on the other hand, are imaginative dreamers. They prefer abstraction, inspiration, insights. They’re kind of your artists. They live in the world of possibilities and love to think about things. They’ve never seen anything that they couldn’t try to figure out how to improve. They are constantly living in the future versus in the present. uh they love complicated abstract problems but they may miss the details. Thinking about these two in a relationship like I told you my husband and I now this is one area that I tend to be very kind of I I’m very much an intuittor and he’s very much a sensor. I tend to be the big picture, the dreamer. I have these ideas, but getting down into the weeds of how do I make this happen and what are the specifics I get bored with very easily and I tend to miss details. I will admit I am not a detail oriented person which is why you know I love Microsoft Word and spellch check those sorts of things those help me a lot. Sensors may get so caught up in things like, you know, from day-to-day things like paying the bills that they forget to look at the big picture and living. They may get so caught up in the daily grind of what do I need to do today that they forget to look up and go what would make me happy or you know what what can I do that would help me achieve my goals that are you know down the road a little bit. It’s important for each person to respect the preferences and and tendencies of the other person. The intuittor needs to embrace the notion that sensors tend to be more practical. So I can come up with these, you know, imaginative ideas, creative ideas, which are great, but my husband may say, you know what, that is a great idea. But let’s talk about how to scale that back down a little bit. He tends to bring me back down to earth, but I tend to get him to look up and think about, oh, hey, there’s that there’s a neat idea. So, we balance each other out very well in terms of thinking and feeling. This is remember how we motivate and find meaning in things. Thinkers are very intense people. They are very passionate people but they are not passionate in the same way. A lot of lawyers are thinkers. They tend to get really excited about looking at the facts. Thinkers like words such as principles, standards, justice, analysis respond really easily to people’s thoughts. They want to apply objective principles of right or wrong. They value objectivity above sentiment and can assess logical consequences. They believe it’s more important to be just than to be merciful. And they look through a true false lens when they’re trying to assess what’s going on. They may think that those who are sentimental take things too personally and may argue both sides of an issue just for mental stimulation. That’s a thinker. Now, a feeler, on the other hand, likes words such as care, compassion, mercy, intimacy, harmony, devotion. We respond to people’s values and to people’s hearts. We want to apply values and ethics from multiple perspectives to make sure that everybody feels accepted and we’re creating harmony. We value sentiment above objectivity and we’re good at assessing the this says the human impact but the impact of what we’re doing whether it’s on you know the impact on the world and what that’s going to do for our children 20 years from now or the impact on you know other things. We are good at assessing the impact in terms of how will it impact our ability to have rich and meaningful life 5 10 20 years from now. Feelers believe it’s more important to be caring and merciful than just. And if you think back to the Hans ethical example, you may have heard it in psychology 101. You know, Hans, his wife was very, very sick, and the medicine to get his wife better was really expensive. Now, he could choose to break the law and break into the pharmacy and steal the medication to save his wife, or he could follow the law and let his wife die. Which one does he do? Does he do the thing that is most right within the eyes of the law or does he do the thing that’s most right within his heart? So that’s one of those thinker feeler ethical quandries that sometimes we ask people to think about. Feelers may think that those preferring objectivity are insensitive. And I said earlier that when you’re trying to motivate someone, you want to think about how they conceptualize things. If I am trying to, you know, convince my husband of something, then I may present all of the logical facts that support my position. Whereas, if he’s trying to convince me of something, he presents all of the compassionate issues and how it would make my heart feel better and increase harmony and all that kind of stuff. I’ll give you an example. When I was pregnant with our first child, we had just bought a house and, you know, I was still in graduate school. We didn’t have a lot of money at that point in time, but there was one day I was at work and this dog walked up to me. Beautiful dog, sweet as can be, knew how to heal, didn’t have a collar on, so I figure she just got a bath and she escaped from her yard and somebody would come get her. Well, called the pound. She went to the pound and I kept calling to see if they had reclaimed her and nobody ever called to claim her. And ultimately, since she was an adult and she was a bulldog breed, they weren’t even going to put her up for adoption. They were just going to euthanize her. Well, so knowing that we had a baby coming in, you know, two or three months at that point is what I thought and that we really couldn’t afford another dog. I didn’t push the issue. I knew logically we could not afford another dog and you know I was just going to have to put it in God’s hands and I accepted that and it it made my heart hurt like no no nobody’s business but I accepted that and I didn’t push the issue because you know I knew if I told my husband I wanted to adopt the dog he’d say we don’t have enough money. Well lo and behold that wasn’t actually right. I remember one night I was laying in bed. this was, you know, after her hold period was up and nobody had claimed her. And he informed me that we were going to go adopt the dog the next day. And I said, “But we can’t afford it. It doesn’t make sense to adopt this dog right now because, you know, we have a new baby on the way.” And his response was, “15 years from now, I’m going to be hearing about that dagum dog that you feel that you caused her death because you sent her to the pound. you know, we will find a way to be able to afford one more dog um right now because that is going to hurt your heart and that’s going to sit with you for, you know, 15 years. And you know, he was probably right, but he put himself in my position and imagined what I would be thinking and I put myself in his position and imagined what he how he might be making meaning of this situation. And interestingly enough, we kind of crossed each other and you ultimately we ended up getting the dog. I wasn’t going to argue if he was willing to do it, but that’s part of being in a relationship and understanding the factors behind it. um you know, when we’re looking, even when we’re looking for property or or whatever we’re doing, um when I’m trying to talk to him about why I prefer one thing or the other, why I think one thing’s a better choice, I’m not going to tell him about all the warm fuzzies about it, cuz you know, that’s great and all, but I am going to point to some of the facts and some of the issues that are important to him and how they whatever it is, uh fits with what’s important. to him and likewise he will point out the warm and fuzzies for me. So we do compromise with one another. I don’t see him as insensitive. I recognize that he reacts to things much differently than I do. He doesn’t like to talk about the f-word feelings. That is uh and that’s okay. not especially in our culture a lot of times men are told that they’re not supposed to talk about feelings and I don’t agree with that but it is what it is so recognizing when people use euphemisms they feel stressed they feel exhausted they feel like they got punched in the gut you know that’s okay however they want to conceptualize it and talk about it but thinkers tend to get very hung up or focused on perceived injustices when it comes to right or wrong. And feelers tend to be the same way when it comes to things that may reduce harmony. Just recognizing that is important and appreciating that in one another. I think that my husband thinks more about harmony and making sure that people are happy and stuff because he spends more time around me and I know spending more time around him. I tend to assess the logical consequences of things more than you know maybe I necessarily would. Finally, time management, judging versus perceiving. Now, I am way over here on the judging area. Uh, I love structure. If you call me tonight and say, “Hey, let’s go out to dinner.” That’s not something I had planned. I have got laundry to do and I’ve got six other things that are on my calendar, and that’s what I had planned. My daughter is similar. If she does not leave for the gym by 6:30 in the morning, she is not going to the gym that day because 6:30 is when we leave for the gym and she tends to be very structured and and somewhat rigid in terms of that. Uh so recognizing that judges like to plan ahead, we love having push notifications in our phone. We love having calendars and day planners and all that stuff so we know what we’re doing and we know what’s coming up. We tend to be self-disciplined and purposeful. We thrive on order. That goes for, you know, our environment to a certain extent, but we we thrive on being able to anticipate what’s coming up. We don’t like surprises. We tend to get things done early, plan ahead, and work steadily. We define and work within limits. When I was in college, if I had a paper due on Thursday, I would make sure I had it done on Tuesday because I wanted to make sure that I had it done and printed out and there was no issue with the printer or anything like that. So, that is how I work. If we are leaving to go somewhere, if we arrive there 15 minutes early, by my estimation, we’re on time. If we get there quote on time, we are late. Now, that’s not how a perceiver works. That’s how a judger works. Judgers like to be early. We like to plan. We like to have a little bit of wiggle room here and there and just, you know, keep putting one foot in front of the other. Judgers may be hasty in making decisions because we don’t want to spend a lot of time getting more information here and there. We make decisions based on the information we have at the time. And that can be good and that can be bad. But it is the way we are. They t tend to be time and deadlineoriented which like I said love those day planners recognizing how much time it takes to do particular things and may think that those preferring spontaneity are too unpredictable. Judges are excellent planners but may not appreciate or make use of things which are not planned or expected. Like I told you at the beginning of of the class today, I struggle quite a bit when something happens that I am not anticipating. Whether it’s something in the house and all of a sudden something breaks or we just had a really horrendous storm, quote tornatic storm, come through the other day and screwed up our shingles. and I hadn’t planned on calling out contractors and everything. So, that threw me for a loop. I’m like, “Okay, where am I going to work that into my schedule because I don’t have I don’t have that planned in and caused causes me a lot of stress when things happen.” My husband on the other hand, he’s like, “Okay, you know, let’s drop back and punt. Let’s figure out, let’s adjust. Let’s do what we need to do.” Uh so it’s important to recognize that judges tend to keep perceivers kind of on a little bit on schedule but we need to be careful not to micromanage them because they will feel hemmed in. They will feel stifled, micromanaged, whatever word you want to use. It is a strength but being a perceiver and being able to adapt on a moment’s notice is also a strength. Perceivers adapt as they go. They’re flexible and tolerant and thrive on spontaneity. They may get things done at the last minute depending on a spurt of energy. Whereas judgers, we really like to have schedules and structure and have things planned even down to 15minute increments. A perceiver is going to prefer to have a to-do list. I need to do these 10 things this week. So maybe I’m going to mow the lawn Monday night. Maybe I’ll get a spurt of energy Thursday morning. I know I need to get it done, but I’m going to, you know, just do what do everything that that needs to be done, but when the mood strikes as a judger, that would make me a little bit nervous or antsy. But as long as the perceiver knows what needs to be done within a particular time frame, they generally get it done. It just may be, you know, all at the last minute. Perceivers tend to want more information and may fail to make decisions because they keep getting more information. They think there’s more to more to know before I make the right decision. And they always think there’s plenty of time. So perceivers often put things off because they’re waiting on that spurt of energy and trying to get more information. It’s important for perceivers to recognize that it’s important to plan ahead a little bit so they don’t get caught without enough time. Perceivers tend to think that those who are not spontaneous are too rigid. And one way in our relationship that we compromised was we schedule in a day for spontaneity. As ludicrous as that sounds, when our children were younger, we scheduled in Saturdays would be the day that I wouldn’t plan anything. And that would be the day that I had no control. And we were going to do whatever the mood struck in the morning when we woke up. And I knew that that day was going to be kind of loosey goosey. Being able to plan for the loosey gooseiness allowed me to feel more calm as opposed to, you know, just suddenly waking up one morning and going, “Hey, let’s do something.” And I’ve already got six things planned. So, we scheduled in spontaneity, which, you know, helped the spontaneous people in my family feel less bored or hemmed in or whatever word you want to use, but it helped me feel calmer. It’s important to get outside the box and figure out how can we make a win-win. How can we help each other feel happy and content and energized in our particular situation, remembering one’s not worse than the other. They synergize super well. When we have car trouble, that’s another one that I don’t have scheduled in. So when I have a flat tire or a car problem, that throws me for into a little bit of a tizzy. And my husband is great at figuring, you know, helping me calm down a little bit and regroup. So let’s talk about application. Now, there are 16 different temperament types, but I am just going to use the polar opposite examples to give you an idea about, you know, different ways you may need to um adjust to communicate. An ENFJ versus an ISTP, an extrovert versus an introvert. Remember, in communication, the introvert is going to want to think and then talk. The extrovert is going to want to talk while they think. So trying to figure out how can we make this happen in a way that meets both of our needs. And remember I suggested having the introvert give a time limit. Say give me 30 minutes to think about this and then we will get together. Intuitive versus sensing. The sensor likes details. The intuittor thinks broadly. So when you’re communicating, it’s important to figure out, you know, what are the details of the big picture and for each person to own which part of that that they are concerned about, whether it’s deciding on a vacation or what to do this weekend or the next house you’re going to move into. The sensor is probably going to be focused on a lot of details and the intutor may be focused on the big picture, but you both when you put them together, you get something that’s much more three-dimensional, pulling on both of your strengths. Feelers versus thinkers. When you are communicating, like I said earlier, communicating to your partner in the way that they make meaning, you’re going to help motivate a thinker by presenting the logical facts. You’re going to help motivate a feeler by presenting the harmonious aspects of whatever it is. And in terms of communication, judges really like to communicate ahead of time. They like to plan. They like to know. And they tend to be much more um rigid in their expectations of what’s going to happen. You know, you’re going to call me at this time. You’re going to do this. Perceivers may be a little bit more loosey- goosey. So, it’s important to communicate in terms of communicate about response times and things when you’re talking about communication between um a judger and a perceiver. So, the judger doesn’t feel left in a lurch and the perceiver doesn’t feel like they are constantly beingounded. So, let’s talk about how this all this applies to love languages really quick. And love languages are simple. Don’t make them harder than they need to be. There are five basic love languages. Quality time, acts of service, physical touch, words of affirmation, and gifts. Our love languages are largely developed as we’re growing up, especially with that first attachment relationship, by the way that that person communicated love to us. If they were very touchy, feely, huggy, lovey, then we’re probably going to experience love through physical touch. If your primary care caregiver was not that way, then that may not be one of your primary love languages. Most people prefer one or two love languages. And it’s important to understand that the way you experience love may not be the way that others in your life do. My one of my best friends, his primary love language is gifts. When he is communicating love to his children, he buys them things. And his second one is quality time. When he communicates love to his children, they’re going to the shooting range or they’re doing this, that, or the other. He’s not going to be one that does a whole lot with words of affirmation. Definitely not big on physical touch. So recognizing that that’s how he communicates love and you know with his children but that’s generally his primary love languages. So if I wanted to communicate affection for him it would be in terms of giving a a gift or spending quality time like going rock climbing. Um that would be communicating in his love language. Those are not my love languages. My love languages are acts of service and words of affirmation. So in order for if he wanted to express affection for me, he would do something that was helpful for me, some sort of act of service or just provide words of affirmation. You know, say something nice. Not that hard to do. We are very different that way. My husband and I have different love languages. when I am trying to figure out how to express affection for him, I need to think in terms of what is his love language, not what is mine. You know, I can give him words of affirmation and acts of service until the cows come home, but if that’s not his love language, it’s not going to hit the mark as well as if I think what is his primary love language for him? One of his primary love languages is physical touch. So, you know, giving him a back rub or something could help him connect or feel affection more easily so than maybe acts of service. So, he tends to be more along the physical touch and gifts area. Um, you know, he feels very strongly about giving gifts on, you know, even Hallmark holidays and stuff. No matter how much I say, you know, don’t worry about gifts. I’m not not worried about it and truly am not. Um, he still does it. But that’s his way of communicating. It comes from his heart and I have to recognize it comes from his heart. Um, acts of service are big for me. So he tried to communicate affection one time by, you know, doing an act of service and that was going out and hoing my garden for me because I have an organic garden and you know there’s a lot of energy required. Now as a judger I had already planned that day to do my exercise by going out and hoing the garden for two hours. So his doing that for me, his act of service came from such a place of love and compassion, but it stressed me out a little bit because that threw my schedule off. So this is how temperament and love languages dovetail. You need to be aware of your significant other’s preferences temperamentally and also their love language and make sure that they kind of work together. So an act of service, if he wanted to do that, you know, and and compromise, and he does it, this is what he does now. Instead of going out and doing it and trying to be such a sweetheart and surprise me, he says, “Would you like me to go out there with you and help?” And that does as much for communicating affection for me as going out there and doing it for me. He’s giving me the opportunity to say yes or no, which fits within my J personality. and thinking about there’s there’s not a super lot of dovetailing between love languages and temperament, but it is important to recognize what your partner’s love languages are and to communicate those to communicate affection in a way that fits their temperament. You know, if they are an introvert, you know, maybe quality time for an introvert work looks different than quality time for an extrovert. Talking with them about what is it that you think of, you know, how do you define quality time? Everybody defines it differently. What would be an act of service for you? And as you spend time with people, you learn, you know, what things are important. you know, if somebody in my house decides that they’re going to do the laundry for me, you know, generally I will not argue about that. Um, but again, it could be something that I already have scheduled in for that day and then I’m left with three hours on my hands and I’m going, what do I do now? That’s partly on me and it’s important for me to recognize when people do things that are acts of service or, you know, trying to communicate affection and be nice from their point of view, from their love language. It’s important for me to recognize where that um behavior is coming from and receive it appropriately instead of necessarily just reacting if it causes me a little bit of stress. By knowing the love languages of your significant others, not just your partner, but your kids, your bosses, your friends, it’s easier to communicate affection in a way that they understand. when you know my best friend gets a gift his eyes light up you know it’s just like oh my gosh I can’t believe and you know it’s it is what it is but you there is a difference when you are receiving something in your love language at where it hits and how important and impactful it is to you um using others love languages helps to ensure where they feel loved and secure and improves communication. Remember that temperament is largely innate and knowing other people’s temperament helps them synergize and reduce friction as well as improve love language communication.

Understand Love Language & Temperament to Create Lasting Relationships

#relationshiptips #personality #communicationskills

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Doc Snipes is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Qualified Clinical Supervisor focusing on providing evidence-based, strengths-based, trauma-informed cognitive behavioral therapy that helps people address the underlying causes of thier distress.
She discusses neurobiology, holistic approaches to mental health recovery, the impact of trauma on all PIECES of life: Physical Interpersonal, Emotional, Cognitive, Environmental, Spiritual. She received her PhD in Mental Health Counseling from the University of Florida in 2002. In addition to being a practicing clinician, she has been nationally and internationally accredited to provide certification and continuing education (CEU) training to counselors, social workers, nurses and case managers internationally since 2006 through AllCEUs.com

Chapters:
00:00:00 – Love Languages and Temperament: Understanding Ourselves and Improving Communication
00:05:02 – Dreamers vs. Sensors
00:10:06 – Understanding Extroverts and Introverts
00:15:06 – Understanding Introverts and Extroverts
00:20:18 – Balancing Thinkers and Feelers
00:25:50 – Compromising in a Relationship
00:31:08 – Judgers and Perceivers: Differences in Time Management Styles
00:36:00 – Finding Win-Win Solutions
00:41:23 – Love Languages and Temperament
00:46:38 – The Importance of Love Languages

NOTE: ALL VIDEOS are for educational purposes only and are NOT a replacement for medical advice or counseling from a licensed professional.

Video by Dr. Dawn Elise Snipes on integrative behavioral health approaches including counseling techniques and skills for improving mental health and reducing mental illness.

AllCEUs.com provides multimedia counselor education and CEUs for LPCs, LMHCs, LMFTs and LCSWs as well as addiction counselor precertification training and continuing education on many of the videos on this channel. Unlike other providers like CE4Less, AllCEUs includes a weekly LIVE Stream Webinar with your unlimited continuing education and professional development membership.