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By now, most of us have seen the #ThanksgivingClapBacks and #ThanksgivingWithBlackFamilies hashtags that pop up on social media around this time of year. While some are downright hilarious, others might hit a little too close to home. What do you do when it’s really not all that funny anymore?
“It Be Your Own Family”
The holidays can be a source of great stress for a multitude of reasons. For some, the financial burden of preparing or hosting Thanksgiving dinner can be significant. For others, it’s the sense of dread that comes with spending time around certain family members. We all have that relative–you know, the one whose jokes feel more like jabs. The one who likes to repeat the same embarrassing stories about you from childhood. The one who never fails to mention if you’ve gained or lost too much weight. The one who stays in everyone else’s business.
Sometimes it’s the pressure of expectations. When are you going to settle down? If you’re already partnered, then when are you going to have kids? If you do have kids, why aren’t they excelling in literally everything? Why aren’t you more successful? And if you happen to be part of a larger family with siblings or cousins, the comparisons are sure to follow.
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Deep wounds might resurface when you get around family. You might be sitting at the dinner table with your abuser, or in the house where abuse took place. You might be mourning the loss of family members who are absent or have passed on. You might be reminded of happier times that will never return. The stress of it all can feel overwhelming, causing you to lash out, numb your emotions, avoid people, or shut down completely.
Why Are We Like This?
It is no surprise that most people weren’t taught healthy coping skills. Mental health is not something that is freely discussed in most households, especially BIPOC ones.
Just about all of us had or knew of relatives who exhibited unusual behavior, and if we mentioned it to anyone, we were told they were “a little off,” and that was the extent of the conversation. Unless that relative had been hospitalized for psychiatric care, it is highly likely they were never diagnosed or treated for their condition. The stigma is simply too great.
There is cultural messaging that tells us to “man up,” or “be strong,” or “take it to the Lord.” We are told “what happens in this house stays in this house,” shaming us into silence. We think of therapy as lying on a couch and telling our problems to some old Caucasian man who probably can’t relate to us anyway, so what’s the use?
Luckily, mental health education and therapy are more accessible than ever these days. You can find a provider who looks like you or with a background similar to yours. You can talk to a trained professional who can help equip you with the tools needed to manage your emotions and life’s difficult moments. You can even go to therapy without ever leaving your home.
What You Can Do
If the thought of spending another Thanksgiving with your family feels more stressful than joyful, there are some things you can do to cope.
Have An Exit Plan
When things become heated or you find yourself being triggered, it can be reassuring to know you can get yourself out of the situation.
Take your own transportation if possible, so you are not forced to stay longer than you would like because the person you rode with isn’t ready to leave. Think about other ways you can physically remove yourself, like going to a different part of the house, taking a walk, or offering to do that last-minute store run for more ingredients. Even if it is only for a few minutes, creating space can be a highly effective way to calm yourself down.
Stay Ready
In many cases, we already know what we are going to encounter when we are around certain people. If that one relative asks the same pointed questions or brings up the same sensitive topics every year, why not practice your responses ahead of time?
There are usually several approaches you can employ here. You can come up with a simple yet firm response that effectively shuts down that particular conversation and lets the person know you won’t be discussing it further.
Alternatively, you could meet them at their level. This is not always recommended because it has the potential to escalate matters, so make sure you know your audience.
That being said, occasionally people need to find out what it feels like to be on the receiving end of offensive communication so they can stop doling it out. The hashtags mentioned at the beginning of this article provide endless examples of matching people’s energy. Proceed with caution.
Take The High Road
Sometimes the hurtful things people do and say aren’t even about you at all, but rather a reflection of something those people are feeling. It could be that they are insecure or jealous, and can only feel good about themselves by tearing others down.
The expression “hurt people, hurt people” applies here. Maybe they have their own unhealed wounds and are still carrying the burdens of sadness and anger. Perhaps they were criticized, ridiculed, or judged in their own upbringing, and that is the only way they know how to relate to others. Reminding ourselves of these possibilities can help us avoid taking things personally and maybe even have some empathy for the offending party.
Opt Out
Believe it or not, there are some things you can simply choose to stop participating in. It might seem like a radical idea at first, but you are perfectly within your rights to skip gatherings that make you feel uncomfortable. Now, this may leave some people unhappy with you. But at some point, it may be worth exploring why you continue prioritizing someone else’s happiness over your own, and at what cost?
Switch It Up
What would it look like if you celebrated a different way this year? One idea that continues to gain popularity is “Friendsgiving,” which is exactly what it sounds like: spending the holiday with a chosen group of friends. Or maybe you’ll find meaning in volunteering and helping others who are going through a difficult time.
There are countless other ways to spend the holidays, and coming up with different ideas can even be fun. Regardless of what you decide, creating your own tradition might be just the change you need and the key to guarding your mental health during the holidays.
Eboni Williams, a licensed psychotherapist and life coach based in Los Angeles, is committed to breaking down the stigma surrounding mental health, particularly for individuals of color. As an alumnus of Howard University, she is passionate about all things culture, traveling the world, and spending quality time with her loved ones.
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The Color Of Health: Changing The Narrative Around Mental Health In The Black Community