By Shirley J. Huisman, MSW, LISW-CP/S, PhD
Our knowledge of human behavior is expanding all the time. Science opens new knowledge every day. At other times, research findings appear to proclaim the obvious, what most people find to be common sense. I recall my dad reading about a research study’s findings verifying that dropping tomatoes in boiling water makes it easier to remove the skins.
My parents both had eighth-grade educations, were born just prior to the great depression and were raised in an agricultural community on the central prairie of the United States. They conducted their lives by the guidelines of what I call pragmatic utilitarianism. I can still hear dad’s laughter about the tomatoes echoing through the house in reaction to what was so clearly obvious to anyone with an ounce of good ole common sense. I do imagine that research study also had other implications and findings, but Dad had already dismissed the study out of hand for what he saw as a complete waste of what was likely taxpayer dollars.
While the connection to tomatoes may not be immediately apparent, back in the mid 1900s, parenting was also viewed as “an obvious,” with little need for research attention. In fact, for many of my parents’ generation, “parent” was a noun. Something you were. You were a parent. Since that time, much more attention has been given to understanding “parenting” as a verb. We think about how we parent as much as we are parents. As a perpetual student of human behavior, I am keenly aware that humans typically parent as we were parented, unless we consciously decide to do so differently.
Several months ago, one of my family members asked me what I thought about “gentle parenting.” They and their spouse are navigating the challenges of parenting a 3-year-old and a 6-month-old. Their impression seemed to be that gentle parenting allows children do whatever they want without guidelines or consequences. The child is in charge. While this impression may be perpetuated by social media, it can also be a dangerous place to get sound advice about parenting. This conversation gave me pause to think about the fads and misconceptions of parenting styles and approaches. I feel great empathy for them as they make their way through the challenges of their young children’s emotions and needs.
Research has found four commonly acknowledged styles of parenting, along with the observed mental health outcomes of each. These research findings reported what the research found, rather than what should be. Just for the record, social media often misrepresents research on these types of issues and can often be driven by misunderstandings about what each type consists of. The findings are both fascinating and enlightening.
My search eventually took me to several sources that shared similar results, one of which is the National Library of Medicine (NIH). The article (all of NIH’s research articles are peer reviewed) was a review of parenting literature across time and academic lines of inquiry. The four styles refer to two different continuums that include degrees of both parental responsiveness and parental demandingness. Additionally, not to state the obvious, but children do not have control over the parenting style under which they are raised. This is one for adults to own.
Permissive Parenting involves high levels of parental responsiveness or warmth (quickly reacting to what the child wants) along with low levels of parental demandingness (few parentally set boundaries that will withstand the strong will of a youngster). What does this look like in family life? This type of parenting is what we call child-driven. The permissive parent rarely gives or enforces rules. The child is in the driver’s seat, so to speak. A frightening thought, given their lack of a license or experience as drivers. Parents coming from this style tend to overindulge the child to avoid conflict. They often interpret their child’s emotional reactions as a sign that they are “bad parents.” Completely understandable given how much energy it takes to wrangle an emotionally reactive child. It is much easier to give your 3-year-old one more cookie than it is to say “no” and suffer the wrath of a writhing, wriggling 35 pounds of emotion who is used to getting that extra cookie plus a few more.
If you are thinking that this style does not offer the child many boundaries, you are correct. The child sets the ground rules simply by their wants and desires, which, to be clear, are still pretty much grounded in immediate needs and wants. This style has some long-term mental health consequences that are worth thinking about. The child is often appeased for poor behavior and emotional dysregulation. They may also display higher levels of creativity and independence. Permissive parenting can be compared to not only removing the bumper guards on the bowling lanes but also removing the lanes altogether so the child can swing that ball in any direction at any time. It will hit anything in its way. It can become destructive to the child in the long run.
A second parenting style is known as Disengaged Parenting. Disengaged parents are low in both responsiveness and warmth, as well as low in their demands. There is little emotional support, guidance or attention to the child’s needs. The child cries, and there is no response from the adult. The child is given little to no structure. Because there is little parental presence or investment, rules and boundaries are not presented or enforced. To use the scenario above, the child asks for a cookie, and no one responds. The child learns to climb on a chair to reach the cookie jar and proceeds to eat all the cookies. Or the cookie jar falls off the counter, breaks into shards on the floor, and now there’s an additional danger. They will get injured from the shards on the floor.
Because disengaged parents are basically uninvolved in the child’s life on either measure, children in these situations often struggle with emotional and behavioral difficulties. It is literally as if no one is interested in their existence or their safety. They may experience problems with academic and social development. There simply is not enough structure for the child to feel safe in any environment. They learn to appear like they are in charge of themselves to survive but inside they feel unsafe. Often, permissive parents are struggling with some additional stressors, such as adult mental health or addiction conditions. The adults are often in their own survival struggle.
A third parenting style is known as Authoritarian Parenting. This style involves high levels of parental demands, along with low levels of responsiveness and warmth. Communication tends to trend in one direction, from parent to child. Rules are rarely explained, but the child is expected to follow them closely and perfectly. Expectations are high, and when the child does not meet them, punishment is meted out. The child learns to survive by figuring out what remains unspoken.
Children in these situations tend to be very well behaved, at least on the outside. They follow rules very closely. But they do so to avoid punishment rather than because following the rules is the right thing to do. They also tend to display higher levels of aggression along with shyness, social struggles and difficulties making their own decisions. Their environment has offered little warmth or emotional connection. They may have difficulties regulating their own emotions and reactions since they have not had anyone to help them co-regulate. They also tend to have lower self-esteem, which impacts their decision-making. They also tend to rebel against authority figures in adolescence and their teen years due to living under strict parental rules.
A fourth style is known as Authoritative Parenting. This style tends to include high levels of warmth and responsiveness as well as high expectations. These parents tend to have close and nurturing relationships with their children. They have clear expectations that they explain to the children, and they work to create understanding for the disciplinary decisions they make. Discipline is used to provide safety and support for the child rather than as a mechanism of punishment. As the child grows and matures, authoritative parents include their children in setting goals and developing their interests. They foster frequent, open and supportive communication. While this parenting style requires a great deal of patience and understanding on the part of the parents, it also tends to produce the healthiest mental health outcomes for children and the healthiest long-term relationships between parents and their adult children later in life.
These children tend to have better emotional regulation, leading to more effective interpersonal relationships. They also demonstrate greater confidence, taking on responsibility and personal regulation in general. They can negotiate difficult situations more effectively. Because of the supportive relationship with their parents, they display more confidence, which allows them to accomplish their goals. They also tend to do well academically, which reinforces higher self-esteem. Going back to the driving metaphor, they have had excellent driving teachers, and when the right time comes, they are capable of being independent, safe and responsible drivers in the community.
So, given these four basic styles, let’s go back to the question I started this column with: Where does “gentle parenting” fit in? Let’s look at what it does and does not mean. Gentle parenting grew out of a desire to parent differently than traditional authoritarian parenting, where rule following and obedience are central. Rather, it is a form of authoritative parenting. Let’s look at what it does and does not involve.
Gentle parenting begins with a strong parent-child relationship. Strong parent-child relationships can help bring those parents and children through almost anything that may come their way. Gentle parents practice effective, consistent and compassionate boundaries rather than harsh punishments and coercion. Its core principles include empathy and validation, respect, understanding, boundaries and modeling the behavior parents want to see in their children.
Gentle parenting is not permissive. It is not about control. It is also not consequence-free. Read that line again, because it puts to rest some of the myths about this style of parenting. If you must, read it three times.
Gentle parenting involves several important parental practices. These include staying calm and emotionally regulated as adults. It focuses on understanding underlying behavior. Gentle parenting asks that the parent remain curious about what their child’s behavior is communicating, rather than trying to make the behavior just go away. Gentle parenting involves teaching children coping skills that enable them to manage their own emotions and reactions. Gentle parenting offers age-appropriate choices that give children a sense of agency while keeping them safe.
Taking the long-term view of parent-child relationships, I ask parents to envision what they want their relationships with their children to look like when the parents themselves are older and more dependent on their then adult children. The seeds we sow come back to us in some way or another. Thinking about the present with the future in mind. Parenting holds one of life’s greatest lessons. We want our children to treat us with respect, warmth and understanding when we age and become more dependent. Children are like little mirrors of ourselves. Chances of that happening dramatically increase when we have demonstrated respect, warmth and understanding with them when they are young.
Tomatoes do indeed release their skins more easily once they are boiled. It is a characteristic of the interaction between tomatoes and hot water. How we parent our children, the choices we make as parents, do indeed result in different outcomes for their and our futures. It’s just a characteristic of parent-child relationships.
Have questions you’d like to ask Shirley? Message her at oasistherapyservices@gmail.com.