Dear Annie:
I previously worked with a woman, “Loretta,” who I’ve maintained a relationship with for over 20 years. We were never close, meeting-for-lunch type friends—more of a talk-once-a-month type. However, this changed when Loretta experienced financial difficulties, a marital separation and attempted suicide.
She was hospitalized for two months and, as a result, has mobility problems. I have gone to several doctor visits with her. I’m older and retired. I suggested citywide transportation that runs specifically in her city, and Loretta found it reliable for a time. Recently, she refused the local pain management option, I believe due to her prior suicide attempt, and insisted on going to a clinic out of town instead.
I don’t want to continue helping her as I have been. How do I go about ending this dependency? I don’t want to hurt her feelings or lie. Loretta avoids asking her husband and daughter for help because they work, and she has another daughter who’s 21 but doesn’t drive because she hasn’t gotten her license. Loretta has offered me money to continue helping her, but that’s not the problem. She often has early appointments or ones that conflict with my schedule, which is why I don’t want this responsibility. Her situation seems dire at times, but it seems she’s had constant hurdles throughout her life.
What do you think?
—Not a Taxi
Dear Not a Taxi:
You’ve shown remarkable compassion toward Loretta, but what you’re describing isn’t friendship anymore. It’s caretaking, and it’s become too much.
Tell her, gently but firmly, that you can no longer manage or transport her to appointments. You don’t need to explain yourself, but if she presses, it’s OK to admit that her schedule has often conflicted with yours and it’s just no longer doable. Encourage her to lean on her family. Point her back to the transportation services you helped her find before. If she chooses not to use them, that’s her problem to solve—not yours.
You’ve put Loretta ahead of yourself for a long time without getting much of anything in return. Between stretching yourself thin or stepping back, the healthy choice is clear. You deserve to choose yourself and let yourself off this hook.