Dear Eric: My husband of 45 years is a naturalized citizen that has been targeted in the past by law enforcement because of his skin color.
I am struggling with anxiety and depression, afraid that he might be a target again in today’s scary environment.
I have shared my feelings with several lifelong close friends. These friends haven’t taken the time to check in on me since I have shared this with them.
I feel I have been there for them during the years as they have encountered some of life’s challenges and find myself questioning whether I should continue our friendship. Do you have any advice for me?
– Disappointed
Dear Disappointed: Not knowing what to say shouldn’t stop any of us from reaching out to a friend in need, but it’s possible that they read the headlines and don’t have any encouragement to offer. I don’t mean to make excuses for your friends, but perhaps they feel as powerless as you do and don’t know how to best be there for you, even though what you want and need is just a check-in.
This might be a case where you have to be a bit more vocal and specific about the kind of support you need.
It can feel counterintuitive to tell loved ones “I would like for you to call me to check on me.” One might think, “shouldn’t they know they should call me?” Well, yes and no. We’re all navigating our own complicated worlds and sometimes our empathy or good intentions don’t fully meet the mark.
It’s OK for you to need more than you’re getting and it’ll be more useful for you to ask for what you need than to drop the friendships, which would shrink your support network.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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