Dear Eric: My mother and late father sold vintage and secondhand items on auction sites for years to supplement their household budget. I taught them to list online many years ago.
I work two jobs and also freelance. I’m unmarried, in my 50s, live a half-hour drive away from the family home, and also commute one hour each way during the week.
My older brother lives with Mom. He was laid off just before the pandemic and hasn’t worked steadily since then. He also suffers from hoarding disorder and refuses to clear his items from the family home (only some rooms are now usable).
My pleas to put his items in storage (I will pay), take things to the dump or simply clear out to make things safe for Mom have been met with anger.
The hoarding seems dangerous to me; I’ve told Mom that I want to call social services, which upsets her, so I stop talking.
Mom keeps asking me to teach her to take digital photos and create online auction listings, something my Dad used to do. Meanwhile, my 58-year-old brother can use the computer just fine when he wants to find something he is interested in.
Every time I explain that I am working, it seems that Mom cannot hear me.
Do you have any ideas for how I may explain to Mom that I can’t easily help with the auctions, and how to convince my brother to help Mom?
– Helping Hand
Dear Hand: Your concerns about your brother’s hoarder tendencies and your frustrations about the work you’re being asked to do are separate issues but they’re likely related.
First the hoarding. Your local fire department might have a hoarding task force that can make a house call. Or your local Area Agency on Aging might have additional resources. Yes, escalating your concerns will likely create conflict, but I’d argue the conflict is already simmering in your relationship.
Enlisting outside help will allow you to step back; the hoarding becomes one less thing for you to manage or worry about.
With regard to the auctions, it’s fine to let your no be a complete sentence and to kindly remind your mother of that and redirect her. It’s not your responsibility to manage your brother on this one. I know the desired outcome is that he helps your mom and steps up more, but it seems that in an effort to make that happen, you’ve been saddled with another job – brother-minder. Resign from that position.
One last thought: you might take 15 minutes to write out instructions for taking digital photos and setting up the online auctions and give them to your mother and brother at the same time, explaining, that you don’t have the capacity to walk them through it or do it with them, but you know that they can work it out together.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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