While there is more awareness around addiction nowadays, gambling is one addiction that many people either don’t know about, or they completely underestimate the damage it causes.
Problem gambling is a compulsion to continue gambling despite it causing negative outcomes as well as the person wanting to stop.
It can have a serious impact on the person and their loved ones and can also cause severe financial and mental health issues.
ERSI research estimates that 1 in 30 people in Ireland are problem gamblers, and it may be even higher due to its hidden nature.
While we often hear about the perspective of former gambling addicts, it’s rarer to hear from their family and the devastating effect the addiction can have on them.
Dublin woman Nicola Keating lived with her husband’s gambling addiction for 16 years, and it severely affected her own mental and physical health. “It was 16 years of living with hopes, dreams and false promises.”
She says it’s equally important that the addict’s family members are supported, as oftentimes they feel invisible.
When Nicola met her husband, she was not long out of rehab for an alcohol addiction, and he had just come out of rehab for gambling. “Our paths crossed, it was a whirlwind. We were married within 12 months of meeting each other.”
Nicola didn’t know much about gambling at this stage, associating it with horses and the Grand National. “I knew you went into a bookies, I knew you’d bet on a horse. I didn’t know anything about poker machines, I would have never really heard of them.”
Since Nicola never saw any betting slips, she didn’t realise her husband was back gambling. He also went through a period of alcohol addiction, and would gamble on poker machines in casinos in between his drinking.
“A year into marriage, I knew something was not right. I knew he was hiding stuff. He had stopped drinking at this stage, so he wasn’t coming in drunk. He wasn’t coming in on drugs.”
Initially, Nicola thought he might be having an affair. After asking her husband outright, he agreed. “It was easier for him to say that he was having an affair than to tell me it was poker machines. Eventually, he confessed.”
Suddenly, things started to make sense to Nicola. She could never understand why they had no money when the two of them worked. “We started our marriage off old school, the way that my mother taught me. Your husband came in and he gave you your wage and you never questioned it.”
Nicola adds that people often blame the family members, wondering how they could not see the truth. “When somebody convinces you into thinking you’re going mad over things going missing, you start to believe their lies. You start to doubt yourself.”
Her husband was a binge gambler and drinker, and there were spells where everything was good. However, oftentimes he’d go missing for a few days on a gambling spree. “He’d go missing on a Friday when he got paid.”
Her husband would then come back and apologise profusely, promising not to do it again. A vicious cycle ensued: Nicola would take him back, he’d gamble, and she’d throw him out again.
Her husband’s mother used to take him in when he wasn’t welcome in the family home. “We were his two biggest enablers. He had her convinced that I was mad, that I was the problem. I don’t blame her, that’s her son, she didn’t want to believe he’d do something like this.”
For years, Nicola’s husband was in and out of AA and GA and did two stints in rehab. “We had good periods, and they were amazing, but I always lived on eggshells. I was always wondering when was the next time?”
He gambled around the time of special events like weddings, birthdays and Christmas, knowing that Nicola would be quicker to forgive him so he wouldn’t be missing at family gatherings and she wouldn’t have to explain where he was.
“I would never let him know how bad bills were. I worried he’d feel like he had to get the money and that would give him the excuse to gamble again,” she adds.
The cycle continued for 16 years, with Nicola’s mental and physical health deteriorating. “I was so vulnerable, isolated and lonely. I was so messed up in the head. I never wanted anybody to think bad of him because I still loved him.”
One day, a good friend of Nicola’s arranged for her to start counselling, which really helped her. She also managed to lose weight, adding that she had been overeating to cope with her emotions. “I realised that it was me that had to change. I was never going to fix him, I had to fix me.”
Nicola came home from counselling one day and told her husband that despite the fact they loved each other, they couldn’t live like this anymore and it was over.
Her husband went into residential treatment in the Rutland Centre, and Nicola joined the Concerned Persons group there for support.
After coming home, her husband stopped gambling and life was ‘amazing’, Nicola says. Sadly, after two years, he had a relapse, which devastated Nicola. They went back to the Rutland Centre, where she finally felt able to confront her husband with the truth. “He was sitting there and saying, ‘Our life is wonderful’.
“I said, ‘We’re not living in a happy house. What fantasy world is he living in?’. I was going through bankruptcy and solvency at the time. The pressure of constantly having to turn up to court.
“For another year and a half, the two of us sat in an aftercare group confronting each other every week. I was no longer afraid to say what I had to say.”
Nicola is now 33 years married, and her husband is 17 years free of a bet. “It’s amazing, the adventures the two of us have been on. We saved the house. I’ve three beautiful children and two beautiful grandchildren.
“The kids go to him for advice. He sits down and listens to each and every one of them and will help them through their stress or anxieties. He’s done well in his job.”
Nicola says she’s speaking out now after so many years as she’s no longer afraid of the guilt, shame or stigma. “If I can help one other family member out there by saying it’s okay not to be okay. We are great at putting these masks on, hiding the problem, when inside we’re dying. Don’t be afraid to get help for yourself too.”
To read the full article, pick up a copy of RSVP’s February issue, on shleves now.