Mark Loehrke
Times correspondent
Shelley Skas, a licensed counselor at the Healing Center for Behavioral Health, talks about how social media feeds parental stress and how to combat it.
Tony V. Martin, The Times
Almost every kid growing up heard about it or saw some sign of it — their parents were stressed out.
Maybe mom had a short fuse during dinner one night. Or maybe dad sat in his car in the driveway for 20 minutes after getting home from work.
Something wasn’t quite right.
Of course, most kids don’t give those types of things much thought in the moment — and possibly not until years later when they have children, and they’re the ones yelling over the mashed potatoes or sitting alone in the dark.
But it’s not just this particular brand of what-comes-around-goes-around that’s causing more people to pay attention to the pressure being felt by parents. Even the U.S. Surgeon General has taken note of a growing trend, recently issuing a 35-page report called “Parents Under Pressure” that characterizes parental stress as an urgent public health issue.
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Among the findings in the report, based on research from the American Psychological Association and other sources:
Two-fifths of parents say that, on most days, “they are so stressed they cannot function”Roughly half of parents call the stress they routinely encounter “completely overwhelming”One-third of parents with children younger than 18 rate their stress level as 8 or higher on a 10-point scaleTwo-fifths of parents report being “so stressed they feel numb”Three-fifths of parents say stress makes it hard to focus.
It’s an issue that has drawn the notice of local mental health professionals as well.
“I do believe that this issue should warrant an alarm, because as parents it can be exhausting and stressful taking care of children — whether they’re dealing with toddler tantrums, sleepless nights, managing the teen years, relationship issues or financial strain,” says Deanna Ramirez, a licensed social worker and mental health therapist at New Leaf Resources in Crown Point. “And if parents are not taking care of themselves, it can affect how they take care of their children. If mom and dad are not OK, neither are the kids.”
Ramirez notes that stress levels have increased in recent years because of a variety of factors, including a higher cost of living, higher child care costs and children now having access to social media, which can affect their mental health.
And the strain of additional stress tends to affect families in numerous ways: Parents withdraw from activities with their kids; household chores fall by the wayside; and couples begin squabbling more and distancing themselves from one another.
“Stress can significantly hinder a parent’s ability to engage effectively in daily life,” explains Shelley Skas, a licensed clinical professional counselor at the Healing Center for Behavioral Health in New Lenox. “At home, it can lead to irritability and emotional detachment from children. In the workplace, it may manifest as decreased productivity and increased absenteeism. And within a relationship, it can cause communication breakdowns and conflict, ultimately affecting the general family dynamic.”
Ramirez and Skas say they’ve seen parental stress come up in more interactions with families in recent years. The goal, they agree, is to create a safe space for parents to express their feelings and concerns, to encourage them to talk about their experiences and to help them identify the specific sources of their stress. When everything is out in the open, they can start to help parents find ways to cope with their stress and get back to a more positive state with their partners and families.
“Parents are a team and need to view themselves as such,” Ramirez says. “Have an open conversation about how you’re dividing up responsibilities. And most importantly, do check-ins with one another. If one parent is struggling, the other needs to be able to step up and help out.”
Skas advocates for mindfulness practices, such as deep breathing or meditation, to allow parents to better manage their stress in the moment. She also emphasizes the importance of self-care, including physical activity, hobbies and adequate rest, and encourages parents to reach out for support from family, friends or community resources to help reduce feelings of isolation.
But perhaps the best way to alleviate stress, she says, is to simply give up on the notion of being a “perfect” parent.
“Social media does a great job of making people feel like they aren’t doing enough,” she notes. “This can cause parents to have irrational thoughts and compare themselves to idealized portrayals of what their family life should be like,” Skas says. “But perfection is unattainable. It’s more important to set achievable goals and take little steps every day to build resilience, improve their coping skills and create a healthier family environment.”
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