Why Men Don’t Want To Try Therapy @TomBilyeu
the reason that men are reluctant to go to couples counseling is because they are not good with verbal expression of their emotional state so anytime they go into coup’s counseling they feel outgunned because their female partner is able to like articulate their emotional experience better it feels like the therapist ends up understanding and siding with the female partner more and this is where the society jumps to a conclusion it says okay so this is a problem that you guys have as men you need to learn how to talk about your emotions more therein lies the bias we never stop to ask ourselves hold on a second if men are not very good at talking about their emotions are there different ways to manage emotions and if you look at historically the way that men manage emotions we have all kinds of things that are different we are much more physical and that’s viewed as a negative thing right if you have a problem with someone you should articulate it out so already we’re starting to see that the way that our society judges particular things we place articulation of emotions above physical expression of emotions
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36 Comments
If anything i fond the opposite. With any situation like this, ive been down for Couples Counseling, with the women saying no, because i can easily describe hpw i feel in great detail, and all they can do is react emotionally with no logic behind it.
What do you mean "physical"? Like violence?
Love this
i disagree
Why therapists want you TO try therapy… $$$$
"Feels like they're siding with the woman more?"
It ain't "feels like" fella, they do.
Most therapist think masculinity is a problem.
I am a man in the opposite position. I am very comfortable and articulable with my emotions. My wife is neither and we are staring down the barrel of divorce.
Dr k here saying what i couldnt say 🫶😭
Offsprings preserve will say, seeing thy ALPHA shared unto all! Yes, as thy ALPHA! Offsprings preserve Who are thy ALPHA? While all HIS shared sitteth upon the NEW Table.
This is a cultural phenomenon, mind you, nit genetic.
A boy here and this is MY opinion, I can express emotions, But why is my mind still is doubting theraphy?
Emotions are used against you in the court of humanity. They give others technical advantage. In poker they call it a tell. This is why being good at poker is so important.
Men, father's, husbands, sons, all protect mothers, daughters, sisters, from social emotional threats.
I can articulate my emotions verbally if i need to, but when i do theyre considered manipulative and invalid
I was treated as potential abuser in couple therapy.
After being hugely mistreated by my ex-wife.
It made things much more worse for my mental health. I will never go to therapy.
No, thanks.
Btw. I'm shocked about lack of moral standards in therapy. If every misbehavior can be excused because of "trauma" we as society are done.
If abuser after paying some money can became "poor victim" we will suffer. All of us.
We can articulate our emotions just fine. The problem is the never ending judgment from other people.
Generally, men feel more comfortable to stand or sit beside eachother rather than like therapy and women which is directly across or in a circle, when they are talking. They also feel more comfortable opening up when they are actively doing something. For me and many of my male friends, the opening up happened when?? Car rides, playing basketball, going for walks, doing the dishes together, etc. Even how we sit more head on with a therapist feels too vulnerable and confrontational. Men do not feel comfortable comfortable in therapy as easily because of this. Women absolutely do because women do sit facing eachother. There are studies that prove this.
Not always… some women shutdown emotionally at home and the start communicating things in therapy in a way that they refuse to express in the home environment which bruises the man's ego because it communicates that the wife is more comfortable and feels safer being vulnerable with a stranger. That can make a man feel like a failure
Instead of blaming men why no blame the system of therapy ? I sametimes feel tha therapy was not designed for man, maybe trying to deal with men and womem at the same way is not a good ideia.
Work space was inclusive with women why not therapy cannot do the same thing but instead they try to change men.
Uhm. Probably has something to do with blaming the man in question.
If therapy was man friendly, more men would be going to it
Woman just go straight to crying and the guy goes to Angry. Both reasonable natural emotional responses. The problem is one is demonized and the other is sympathised with.
Ehhhh. . Knowing the words to describe your mental state is undoubtedly valuable. Maybe you will feel better if you idk go build a cabinet or something physical, but if you avoid developing the language for quantifying how you feel, all that does is make it harder to communicate. After all you cant just exercise everything away. Or Craftsman your way out of divorce
"They're not good with verbal communication"
The funny thing is: therapy is designed for women. All the bullshit talking about emotions, etc. Men need a group of friends to have a bit of action with, fuck things up and so forth. WE AREN'T DESIGNED FOR THIS CRAP.
I've gone through all the phases and am a very sensitive person, always looking for the newest psychology trends over the years, just to notice at my 33 years of age that the whole system is fucked and I'm fucking sick of it.
Fucking hell, i'm really good at expressing my emotions and communicating but this crap DOES NOT HELP ME. We need a paradigm shift. Men are miserable because this crap DOES NOT WORK.
Who would willingly go to someone who's profession is called "The rapist?"
I thinks that's a half truth…. I spent considerable time learning how to articulate emotions. I spent considerable time reading about psychology. (Trait models, attachment theory, trauma, DBT, Bowen Family therapy). None of that helps with a biased therapist. Communication and articulating emotions are important, but they're not the whole picture. Psychological safety is a double edged sword; we want our partner to feel safe doing the right thing, without them feeling safe doing the wrong thing. And as for mutual accountability, and emotional stability/resilience, I'm yet to meet a therapist who puts those on an equal footing with other elements of a healthy relationship. Unfortunately, I'm also yet to see a therapist actually engage in empathic confrontation with a partner, (where appropriate). Worse still, remaining rational in the face of ungrounded assertions or keeping my guard up in a toxic relationship was pathologized as being avoidant. My experience of therapy was that learning abut how to articulate emotions and about psychology merely shifted me a position of hermeneutical epistemic injustice to a position of testimonial epistemic injustice.
Perhaps the negative is that women talk about their emotions too much? It's an interesting thought experiment.
Amazing. I didnt even think about that. Thank you.
The reason men are reluctant to try 'Therapy' is because they know it's BS. I spunked thousands on therapy 20 years ago at an incredibly difficult time in my life. Absolute waste of time and money. Some therapists are well intentioned, some are charlatans, all are useless. Once I got away from therapy I started my own journey to wellness, took me 3 years to start being able to fiction properly and then another couple of years to thrive. I'm now incredibly well physically and mentally.
When society only allows men to experience anger physical expression becomes a very negative thing.
So many supposedly enlightened people complain about the "patriarchy" and don't factor in the heavy price that some men pay. I would say that, in fact, it is a hierarchy that attracts predominantly men and also some women, both power grabbers.
Men werent taught how to express their emotions or be aware of them. Their fathers should have done that. As an adult its our job as men to go to therapy and learn how to be aware of our emotions, how to express them and not just turn everything to anger. Im doing it in therapy right now. Its not easy and you need to look at your own actions critically and set pride aside. Any human can express their emotions well if they are taught. Its just that in our society, men arent taught.
Stereotyping – As a woman with Aspergers this was not my experience. Either sex has gaps in awareness and the words to express or even comprehend their needs. The purpose of therapy is for an educated and emotional aware person to mediate and help bring those missing parts to light . I think men would go to therapy more easily if they understood it wasn’t women versus men but not knowing versus learning how. Like school for relationship communication. Handle all the practical issues so everyone feels safe and heard to increase executive function then once safety trust and validation is there watch all the negative emotions pale into insignificance. It’s not a competition it’s communication. We should be more concerned about helping understand & support from one another.
I think that most people go to couple’s counselling, not because the man can’t emote his feelings, but rather, shuts down when facing open communication. My ex would table every single conversation and then come back days late and build me something. Like sweetheart..just listen.
Interpretive dance
I'm extremely good at articulating, I'm a writer, it's my skill.
And all it brings to me, is people get really, REALLY impatient and want to end communication as soon as possible.
People HATE me, FEAR me even. Able to express myself accurately attracted so many malice to me that I learnt to not say much.
Interesting idea that this is another double empathy problem.