But, even when we’re off-center, we still need to power through: to go to work, to get our kids to school, to perform the daily actions of living. How?
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I talked to clinical psychologist Julia Martin Burch about how to maintain our center under shaky ground, when we’re in what she calls “a chronic place of arousal.” Burch was a staff psychologist in the McLean Anxiety Mastery Program and now directs Boston-based Do What Works, providing therapy to kids, teens, and parents.
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Acknowledge that your feelings are exhausting, and you don’t need to be on your game right now. “We’re struggling because we’re human. We’re taking in so much grief, tragedy, and moral injury while simultaneously moving through our days and doing typical parenting tasks and challenges,” Burch says. “For a lot of parents, that brings up this real sense of whiplash, which causes guilt and sadness and numbness and anger.”
Many of Burch’s clients feel guilty even for feeling happy or secure. If we’re flooded with convulsing emotions, we should aim for lowest-common-denominator parenting.
“Lower the bar on purpose. This is not a moment to be perfect. It’s more important to keep things stable, consistent, and loving: just those parenting basics for you and for your kids,” she says.
You can feel multiple ways at once. “Framework one for parents to think about is dialectics: Many things that seem to be opposite can be true at the same time. … I can feel burned out, and I can also enjoy the fact that my child was hilarious eating their breakfast this morning,“ Burch says. ”Sometimes, in times of stress, we can get very black and white. But we know from research that psychological health improves when we can hold opposing truths.”
You don’t have to shield your kids from all emotions. “Parents often feel like we need to hide our emotions from our kids to protect them,” Burch says. “But kids pick up on our feelings. They’re really good detectors of when we’re not being genuine. And there’s actually research that supports this: Kids tend to do best when parents actually acknowledge their emotions without suppressing them or amplifying them.”
What does that look like? Even saying something like, “I’m feeling sad today, but it’s not something you need to fix.” This is about acknowledging the heaviness without putting it on your kid to lift.
It’s healthy, not defeatist, to selectively disengage from the news. “I think we feel a responsibility to stay informed, but this really should be based on your capacity on a given day,” Burch says.
Otherwise, we become desensitized and increasingly detached.
“Parents describe to me feeling an increase in outrage and an increase in all-or-nothing thinking about issues that are nuanced,” she says.
Burch suggests creating boundaries for consuming news that are based on time, not emotion: “Check once in the morning and once at night, not whenever [your] text chain explodes about a breaking news item,” she says. “You’re not avoiding; you’re not putting your head in the sand, but you’re pacing yourself. You’re staying informed in ways that allow you to still function.”
Be nice to yourself. No, really. Self-compassion “is one of the most powerful psychological tools we have” to combat stress, Burch says. (That and my personal favorite, gorging on Chex Mix.)
Burch uses a framework created by University of Texas self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff: One, acknowledge that you feel sad. Two, connect with common humanity — “this sense of, I’m not alone in my worry,” she says. Third, show yourself kindness. Maybe it’s super-simple: taking a few slow breaths. Maybe it’s going for a walk without your phone and getting some sunlight. Regardless, this is about intentionally showing micro-kindnesses to yourself, she says — which is something you can control in an unpredictable world.
Find small ways to regain your sense of autonomy. “When we have this sense that we can’t control things, and the world is spinning too fast, finding small steps that are in our control can help to restore some sense of agency,” she says.
These steps should reflect your values, not what social media or anyone else thinks you should do.
“We get a lot of examples on social media, perhaps, of the quote-unquote right way to show up during tragedy. Notice that pull and then come back to your own values,” she says, whether it’s volunteering at a food bank or shoveling your neighbor’s sidewalk.
Ground yourself in the now, because you’re not a jerk for feeling joy. If you’re having fun sledding with your kids, embrace it.
“I often tell my clients that it’s kind of like our thoughts are a river flowing by. Before we know it, we’ve jumped in, we’re swimming, and our kids are on the shore, going: ‘Wait; I’m here, too,’” Burch says.
Instead, “Our physical senses are really helpful for grounding us: noticing the snowflakes in my kids’ hair, the temperature on my skin, the noise that I hear while we’re sledding,” she says.
If you feel the urge to disassociate and stew, don’t berate yourself. She urges clients to set a timer — in 30 minutes, say, you’ll worry about whatever’s bugging you. But, until then, give yourself permission to set a boundary.
Lastly, mental health isn’t driven by the news alone. Many of us are dealing with ongoing slogs, from perimenopause to aging parents to financial worries to kids with their own mental health struggles. Set small, easily replicable rituals.
“We know social connection and support is tremendously helpful when people are suffering with their mental health. It doesn’t have to be this big song and dance, but it’s looking for consistent moments each day to take steps towards taking care of yourself,” Burch says.
One way to do this? Opening up to your kids, depending on their age. Teenagers especially are super savvy, and they might create narratives about why you’re sniffling at the sink or hanging out in your room a lot.
“Teens have access to a lot of misinformation in terms of what’s out there about mental health on social media. Conversations are a real opportunity to clear up any misconceptions and get the facts straight. You don’t need to give graphic details about what you’re experiencing — your teen doesn’t need to take that on — but you can explain: ‘I’m getting some help for depression right now’ … and this can become a point of conversation and connection for families,” she says.
Kara Baskin can be reached at kara.baskin@globe.com. Follow her @kcbaskin.