If you want your child to grow into a successful, happy and well-balanced adult, you should pay attention to their levels of confidence and self-esteem, says mental performance coach Cindra Kamphoff.
“Confidence is one of the strongest predictors of our performance, our happiness and our success,” says Kamphoff, the founder of the Mentally Strong Institute, a mental coaching firm for business leaders and athletes. “Growing confidence is the work of a lifetime [because] there’s setbacks and adversity that we face that impacts our confidence.”
Of course, most kids won’t simply tell their parents that their self-esteem is low, or when they could use a confidence boost. Parents should, however, check for warning signs, Kamphoff says: What your child says out loud about themselves can be revealing, especially if they’re stuck in a cycle of self-criticism. Their body language can be revealing too, especially when they’re reluctant or unable to articulate how they’re really feeling, she adds.
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Boosting confidence differs from inspiring arrogance. Parents can steer their children toward the former by focusing on realistic praise of their effort and attitude — rather than inflating their egos with an exaggerated focus on their achievements, some psychologists say.
“Pay attention to how they respond to mistakes or failures,” says Kamphoff. Helping boost their confidence after a temporary setback or negative interaction should be “one of your top priorities” as a parent, she adds, because it can help develop traits that kids need to become successful adults — like the resilience to manage ups and downs while still taking necessary risks, research shows.
Here are three “red flags” that could indicate your child is suffering from a crisis of confidence and could use a self-esteem boost, according to Kamphoff:
Negative self-talk
One telltale sign of low self-esteem is when you notice someone constantly “beating themselves up after failure,” says Kamphoff. That can take the form of vocal self-criticism, like a child saying they’re not smart enough to learn a new concept or skill or even predicting that they’ll fail an upcoming test.
If your child regularly makes severe declarations like “I’m such a failure” or “I’m so stupid,” remind them that failures and other temporary setbacks do not define them as a person, Kamphoff recommends. Rather, you can teach them to reframe failure as an opportunity to learn something new, she says.
Kamphoff coaches professional athletes to look at their past mistakes for lessons on what to do differently the next time around, she says. She then recommends literally, physically “shaking it off” as a way to help leave that failure in the past and move on with confidence to tackle another challenge.
Excessive comparison
Another potential signal of low confidence: your child constantly comparing themself to peers who seem to be outperforming them, Kamphoff notes. “Comparison is a normal part of being human, because it allows us to understand our place in this world. But we typically don’t compare our whole self to the other person’s whole self,” she says.
Encourage your kids to focus only on aspects of comparison that they can control, Kamphoff recommends. You can ask, for example: “What is this comparison telling you about what you really want … or what’s important to you?”
The answer could serve as helpful “data” to create realistic goals and plans to achieve them. Setting and working toward goals effectively is “one of the strongest ways to grow confidence,” says Kamphoff.
You can also remind kids that they’re likely trying to measure up to an idealized version of the other person, especially if they’re only getting a partial view of the other person’s life on social media, for example.
Body language and low energy
Even if your child isn’t vocally criticizing themself, their inner voice could still be piling on with unhelpful criticism, especially in the wake of a notable mistake or setback, Kamphoff notes. You may notice changes in how your children are carrying themselves — like slumping their shoulders, smiling less frequently than usual, displaying consistently low energy levels or refusing to engage in activities they used to enjoy, she says.
Kamphoff advises that parents model productive behavior to show kids how to manage their negative emotions, rather than suppressing them. Instead of telling your kids to cheer up, you can practice naming negative emotions and feelings as an important first step to destigmatizing them, parenting experts often say.
If a child is having trouble articulating how they feel, parents can talk them through it calmly, says Kamphoff. She recommends a tool she calls “PCR” — pause, calm down, respond — which involves pausing to take a breath and calm down before considering how to respond to a difficult question or situation, she says.
“You can teach kids to regulate their emotions, and that’s going to really help them grow their confidence,” says Kamphoff. “Because, especially under pressure, when kids [and adults] can regulate themselves, that’s really key.”
In extreme cases, these types of signs can point to mental health concerns like clinical depression, according to psychologists. Always consult your own mental health professional if your child is exhibiting symptoms of clinical issues.
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