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Behavioral Healthcare

You Can’t Change People 💛



You Can’t Change People 💛

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Dr. Gabor Maté explains that in difficult relationships, there are fundamentally different ways to respond to another person’s behavior.

One option is to step away when the relationship creates ongoing stress or harm. Choosing distance can be a form of self-protection, even when there is still care for the other person.

Another option is to stay while accepting that the behavior comes from the other person’s pain, without trying to control or change them. This approach focuses on support without taking responsibility for their transformation.

What he highlights as dysfunctional is remaining in the relationship while trying to force change. Efforts to pressure, convince, or control someone else’s behavior often lead to frustration and instability rather than resolution.
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🗣️: Dr. Gabor Maté
🎥: Genius Recovery
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49 Comments

  7. @cassiopeiajakarta on

    people say what if I marry a smoker/vaper one day and he would pretend at first? easy peasy squeezy, I'll divorce him because how dare he not respect my principles. that was a trap, not love, manipulations. and today I got asked when I married because other did, and I swear again that I'm not getting married. I've calculated everything since early days of my life and they almost 99.9% true. I don't want to betray my intuitions lol

  13. @Alex-xl3tq on

    But if you say that to someone who thinks that you are thinking it’s me but it’s you they don’t want to hear it because they no they are trying to control you and that is how they will try to manipulate you into believing their the victim and turn it around so that they can guilt trip you into staying that is a real red flag and what happened is you feel that you can change them and you feel guilty when you haven’t done anything so all ready they made you feel like that and sometime you think why can’t we have a conversation and understand without having to feel like that and the truth is you will never because I went through that and years you think it’s your fault and it will never happen that you leave it will always be something else and you have to do it right at the beginning but sometimes if you are in them kind of relationship don’t tell them when you are leaving do it when they are not in because a lot of times you won’t and by the end you can’t you can never change someone who is is controlling you they are changing you and you don’t even know it yet don’t stay go it will get a lot worse and by then you might not have the strength to go it’s not love

  20. @carogibson7109 on

    Whatever you do, think about Social Security because you have to be married for 10 years to use her or his social security benefits either use your own but you have to have 37 years or so they are zeros work history, or theirs at 50% or theirs at 100% for Survival Benefits! If you become disabled, either Spousal or Survival or your own benefits are 100%. This doesn’t hurt their or your amount from SS at all.

  22. @Moa-u7f on

    Abandoning your family is NOT a rational choice. It is the worst, most divisive and dysfunctional advice American pop psychiatrists give, and it destroys not only individuals and families, but the very fabric of society. This is why there are so many masses of homeless, abandoned, depressed, suicidal and crazy people out on the streets of America today. Psychiatrists & psychologists that just xero-copy this devastating advice need further esucation, a moral conscience and a tighter Code of Ethics.

  25. @plaedoyer on

    If leaving your child isn’t an option and the second recommendation isn’t working due to her self-destructive behavior, what are you supposed to do?

  34. @AndiB111 on

    Absolutely!! I for one took more time than i should've to really leave. i knew those viewpoints, aka 'nuggets' you said, but i didnt want marriage to fail due to his over- indulgence. Ive got one nugget / other viewpoint for You, Dr Gabor, & that is: "I deff. learned, you CAN love a person too much." That's an invaluable nugget, folks! Roll it around, youll see..

  36. @leighmunton9910 on

    This feels so profound to me, like I've just been stopped in my tracks, my mind has been blown and my heart has opened a little more.
    Not that it's something new, but the clear way he is able to articulate these thoughts is what blows my mind and I just get it! After a lifetime trying to understand, he summarises in a few moments! Brilliant. 🙏🙏🙏🙏❤️❤️❤️

    And btw I feel that all these 3 apply on an inner personal level – #1 is suicidal thoughts, #2 is self compassion, #3 is nervous breakdown.

  38. @tanyascott1338 on

    THIS IS THE WORDS I HAD TO SAY TOO YOUR FATHER, TERRY GENTRY, I'M SO GLAD SOME ONE ELSE, PUT IT IN A VIDEO 📸📸📸. YOUR MOM. JUST KNOW PEOPLE HAVE TO KEEP GOING FORWARD ⏩⏩⏩

  40. @Something_Not_Lame on

    I'm so glad to hear this coming from this man in particular. I married an exceptionally loving man, but he and I share different traumas. Sometimes his traumas hit mine like a kick to the gut when I needed a hug. (Metophorically). I know it's not what he means, he's not great at expressing what he means because he wasn't allowed to be vulnerable when he was young. I do my best not to react in a way that attacks him back and triggers his trauma. It's a delicate dance. When I play my cards right and show only love, he sits in his words and comes around and apologizes, and then we can talk it through with calm minds like 2 days later. But man is it hard not to defend myself when he's attacking me instead of giving me what I need when I need it most. I'm starting to understand what it means to be strong for him, because I'm starting to see how he subconciously feels like me being weak is a trap for him, waiting for him to fall for it so I can hurt him. I'm not that kind if person. When I'm strong in these horrible moments when we can't help each other, we actually grow closer.
    The most common reaction people have is ti say that my husband is being toxic, or abusive, and selfish, and neglectful. But that's not the whole story. I love my husband and see that he's feeling weak and scared when I'm weak and scared emotionally because he's never made a right decision that wasn't punished by others. I can see that he's constantly trying to make himself better, but it's self-improvement is a complicated journey.
    It's just really nice to hear that it's okay for me to have this desire to endure my husband's weaknesses more than the desire to escape it. Because abuse is selfish, definately, but wanting to be better and trying is love. With traumas this deep, being able to fail without being attacked for failing despite your effort is important. I love him and am okay with enduring as long as he's trying. Thanks for this.

  48. @stacyoyen5784 on

    Don't beg or coerce anyone, always backfires and in my life I see that the other person never sees it, never changes and I'm left sad and picking up pieces. Drains my energy, change pattern