Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. For this edition, Rebecca Onion, a Slate senior writer, will be filling in as Prudie. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
My lovely wife recently started therapy. The sessions seem to be going well, but I feel she is avoiding talking about a very serious problem.
She suffers from unbelievable decision paralysis. For instance, this morning she spent over an hour trying to choose between six possible descriptions of the organization she works for on a drop-down menu on a website. It’s something that plays out across all choices. Ordering at a restaurant takes two servers, the tables next to us, and about two hours of discussion. It’s a known problem, a source of conflict between us, and … she hasn’t mentioned it to her therapist and won’t discuss it. Apparently, I am the “only one who has a problem with it.” Several of her former managers would politely disagree. How can I get her to try to address this? Should I?
—Choices Choices
Dear Choices,
Two hours of menu discussion before ordering? Is this a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode? Surely you embroider! (Servers, write in and tell us: Have you ever had anyone take this long to order? If so, what’s your recourse? Now I’m curious.)
I would be frustrated, too—beyond the immediate impact on your life, it’s so annoying to watch someone refuse to acknowledge an obvious issue, especially when it sounds like she may have already experienced a dose of what parents call “natural consequences,” from her previous managers, without changing her ways. Even so, I don’t think you can “get” her to bring it up at therapy, nor do you need to. Her paralysis around choice is probably one indicator of some much larger underlying issue (anxiety disorder? depression? OCD?) You’re worried that if your wife doesn’t say anything, she and the therapist will miss the chance to “fix” the issue, but I think “taking years to pick a paint color for the living room” is unlikely to be the sole manifestation of whatever’s going on with her, and I bet the therapist (if they’re any good!) is seeing the patterns. Hopefully your wife and the therapist will work their way to the root cause eventually, and whatever next steps they choose to take will have the downstream benefit of helping with this issue.
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Dear Prudence,
My sister-in-law lives across the country from us, and she complains that my husband and I don’t visit. She is childless and has had minimal expenses for the last five years because she was living with her parents and not paying for rent, food, etc. Our 5-year-old daughter is autistic, and it’s very challenging to travel with her, so we tend to ask visitors to come to us.
We are finally visiting soon to humor his parents, who visit regularly and have asked us to come., But I’m resentful because this feels like we are giving in to the SIL, who makes zero effort to connect with her niece. What bothers me most is that the SIL posts pictures once a month of our child on her social media, yet she never makes an effort to visit or even connect with her in other ways. She doesn’t ask to FaceTime, send letters, or even text us to ask about what her niece has been doing. We have an ongoing group chat with my husband’s family, but I don’t want to provide pictures to her lately because I feel so resentful. Can I say something about how much this hurts, or does it need to come from my husband? Is it even worth saying anything at all, or has she made her priorities clear, and I need to live with that?
—Wishing for an Involved Aunt
Dear Wishing,
“Posts kid pics on socials but never offers any support” is a very common complaint about relatives I hear from parents with small children. “Doesn’t understand how difficult it’s going to be for us to get on a plane” is another one. In your case, given your daughter’s autism, constant petitions for you to travel provoke a deeper question: Does your sister-in-law truly grasp that your daughter’s neurodivergence means she might have different needs from other kids? Since she doesn’t bother to text to inquire about your family life, or FaceTime to chat with your daughter, she might not! I wonder if you’re feeling particularly chafed by this pattern of behavior, for this very reason.
Regardless, I don’t think there’s much you can do. You’re visiting for the sake of his more-involved parents, and that plan is already made. It’s annoying that she’s going to benefit from it, but you can, in your heart, hold a glowing coal of spite, at which you can periodically warm your hands, thinking: This isn’t for her. I will never visit just for her. Other than that, I don’t think much would happen if you were to confront her, or even if your husband did. Some people are just disappointing grandparents, aunts, and uncles, who don’t step up for their younger relatives the way you’d hope. You can count yourself lucky you weren’t counting on her for childcare.
Dear Prudence,
About a year and a half ago, a friend of mine was getting married several states away and was kind enough to invite me. We weren’t super close anymore, but it still meant a lot to me that she wanted me there, so my husband and I planned to fly out for the event. Fast-forward to about a week before the wedding, and I unfortunately experienced a miscarriage at eight weeks. We’ve been struggling with infertility for several years, and this miscarriage was both extremely physically and emotionally painful.
Amid all the turmoil, I never reached out and explained the situation to my friend, and she never reached out to see why I didn’t make it. Now, after some time and lots of therapy, I’m recognizing that I probably did a shitty thing by never explaining myself or sending a gift or card. We haven’t spoken at all since. Is it worth reaching out and telling her what happened? Should I just accept that the friendship is over? Do I send a card now?
—Better Late Than Never?
Dear Better,
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I Suspected My Girlfriend Was Texting With an Ex. What I Found Was So Much Worse Than That.
I’m so sorry this happened. It makes complete sense to me that, in the middle of everything, you wouldn’t have had it together to write to your friend. It also makes some sense to me that your friend didn’t email or text after her wedding to see why you didn’t come. The leadup and comedown from a wedding of any size is pretty hectic. She probably just plain forgot, especially since you were the kind of invitee who wasn’t a part of her daily life anymore, though she was clearly still fond of you—hence, the invitation.
If it’s bothering you, I think it’s definitely worth reaching out. I would send an email, explaining everything to whatever depth you’re comfortable, and simultaneously send a card by mail, with a gift, if logistically possible. (I’m not sure how far out from the event you are—their registry may be offline by now. But a gift card is always nice.) That way, you’ve done the deeper emotional work in the more immediate medium of email, where she may reply as a friend, and also fulfilled the duty of the wedding guest by sending a present.
If she never replies, you’ve got your answer to the question “Is this friendship over?” If it’s over, it won’t be because of you! But I bet she will…
Catch up on this week’s Prudie.
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