Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
I am 71 years old. I grew up in Ohio going to Catholic school grades 1 – 8. Around 15 years old I knew I was gay but never told anyone. When COVID hit in March 2020, I came out to my wife. I cannot for the life of me tell you WHY I came out but now I feel it was a horrible mistake. After I convinced her I was not joking she soon was mentioning divorce. This was NOT my objective. I moved out to a nearby apartment for a few months and was extremely miserable. I did NOT pursue any gay experiences = zero. I begged her to take me back into the home which she reluctantly did. Five years passed and we were tolerating each other, I was more at peace than her. Although the idea of my getting a partner is a fantasy, I do not see it happening as I am ONLY attracted to young 20 something guys and the likelihood of finding someone that age being attracted to an old man is very unlikely. I am VERY TORN between
staying in the situation I am in or trying desperately to get back together with my wife and family.
Where do I even begin with your question? First, thank you for writing in to me. I wish I could say that your experience is unique, but unfortunately, it isn’t. I see these kinds of experiences in my office every single week. If it is worth anything, I want to say that I see how much pain, and grief you are carrying. This isn’t new for you. This is decades of conflict between your faith, your identity, your marriage, your family, and the version of life you believed you were supposed to live. I can remember feeling some of this myself back when I was figuring out what to do with my sexuality. That kind of internal battle can wear you down. You describe something that a lot of us in the queer community do: living a life trying to suppress a part of ourselves while also trying to hold onto a sense of identity. That is an incredibly difficult place to be, especially when you were raised in environments where being gay was treated as something shameful or dangerous. So, let’s talk about how we can move in a direction that feels a little bit more authentic.
What stands out to me most is how much regret you are carrying. You describe coming out at 15, then later trying to force yourself into a different life because of fear or the hope that things might somehow change. I came out at 17 and remember planning to stay at a friend’s house if things went south. Unfortunately, many people from older generations were taught that being gay was something that could be overcome through willpower, marriage, religion, or denial. We now know that sexual orientation is not something people simply choose away. Trying to suppress it often creates enormous emotional suffering. That does not mean your marriage or your love for your wife was fake. Far from it. Human relationships are far more complicated than that. People can deeply love their partners while still struggling with parts of themselves they never fully understood or accepted.
I also hear a tremendous amount of loneliness in your words. You describe feeling caught between staying in your current situation or desperately wanting a different life that now feels unreachable. That feeling can become especially painful as people age because society often sends the message that doing anything outside of staying quiet belongs only to younger people. I’m 37 and already feeling the erasure. What I can say, it that I work with many individuals who begin exploring their authentic identities later in life. Some come out in their 50s, 60s, and 70s. and find companionship. Some do not pursue relationships at all but instead focus on finally living honestly with themselves. Remember, there is no expiration date on self understanding.
At the same time, I wouldn’t be a sex therapist if I didn’t want to gently challenge the belief that attraction only exists toward young men or that meaningful connection is no longer possible because of your age. When people spend decades suppressing desire, they sometimes emotionally freeze themselves at the age when they first had to shut those feelings down. In your case, part of you may still be emotionally anchored to the years when attraction first became frightening or “forbidden.” That does not mean you are incapable of connection with people your own age. It may mean you have never truly had the freedom to explore attraction in a healthy and affirming environment. Sexuality is often more layered and flexible than fear initially allows us to believe. If you want more on this, check out the link here where I talk about the garden metaphor.
I also think it is important to separate fantasy from hopelessness. Right now, you sound exhausted and defeated, almost as though your life has already ended emotionally. But being uncertain about the future does not mean there is no future. You do not have to solve the rest of your life overnight. You do not need to immediately decide whether to stay in your marriage, leave your marriage, date, or completely reinvent yourself. That would drown and human. Sometimes the first step is simply allowing yourself to stop fighting your own existence. That may involve working with an affirming therapist who understands sexuality, religious shame, aging, grief, and identity development. You have spent many years trying to outrun yourself. Do yourself a favor and spend some time slowing down, taking a breath, and giving yourself some grace.
Before I wrap up, let’s talk a little bit about your wife and family. Decisions around long term marriages are incredibly complicated, especially when shared lives are involved. There is no simple answer. But living in constant emotional despair helps neither you nor the people you love. Sometimes honesty, even painful honesty, creates the possibility for deeper connection, compassion, and authenticity than silence ever could. Is it risky? Of course, but the alternative is staying in the shame spiral you currently are living. While not every marriage survives these conversations, it does mean both people finally get to live in reality instead of inside years of hidden fear and tension.
Remember, your story is not uncommon, even if it feels isolating. From one queer person to another, the journey to living an authentic life is not always straightforward. Many of us LGBTQ+ individuals grew up in environments where authenticity came with enormous risk. Some older members lost decades trying to survive systems that taught them shame instead of self acceptance. The fact that you are speaking about this now tells me there is still a part of you that wants peace and maybe even hope. Do not underestimate that part of yourself. Your life is not over at 71. You are still here, and you have a whole community who is here to support you.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for generalinformational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
Subscribe to Cleveland Scene newsletters.
Follow us: Apple News | Google News | NewsBreak | Reddit | Instagram | Facebook | Twitter | Or sign up for our RSS Feed
Related