Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
Matt,
Lately I’ve been thinking about opening my relationship because I am not happy and can’t see a future with my boyfriend. But I don’t want to be open ever so I don’t know what to do.
Don’t let anyone ever tell you that relationships aren’t hard. I hear this quite often and if I am being honest, have experienced difficult times in my relationship as well. A lot of people find themselves wondering about open relationships at some point, especially when they are feeling disconnected or uncertain about the future of their current partnership. When people hear discussions about polyamory or open relationships, they sometimes assume that opening up is the solution to relationship unhappiness. In reality, those are often two very different conversations and let me spoil the ending of this article, it usually doesn’t work.
One thing I want to challenge right away is the idea that because you are unhappy, the next step might be opening the relationship. From what you wrote, it sounds like you already know something important about yourself: you do not actually want to be open. I think that matters, a lot. We live in a culture that often treats monogamy as the default and polyamory as the alternative, but the truth is that neither relationship structure is inherently better than the other. This can also feel extremely threatening to others. The goal is not to force yourself into a relationship model that does not fit. The goal is to build a relationship that aligns with your values and the vision you have for your life.
I wonder if what is happening here has less to do with wanting additional partners and more to do with wanting relief from the discomfort you are currently feeling. Sometimes people begin fantasizing about opening a relationship because it feels easier than confronting the possibility that the relationship itself may not be working. That is scary. What’s beautiful about opening a relationship is that it can create opportunities for connection and growth for some couples, but it does not magically solve the problems of incompatibility or resentment. In fact, most polyamorous people will tell you that opening a struggling relationship often magnifies existing issues rather than fixes them.
This is where I think it is helpful to talk about “couple privilege.” This is a concept that impresses upon humans that being in a relationship is always better than being single. We celebrate couples, prioritize couples, and often treat relationship status as a marker of success. This isn’t to say that we shouldn’t celebrate those in healthy relationships (key word being “healthy”). Unfortunately, we think longevity is the goal instead of sustainability. Because of this, many people stay in relationships long after they have stopped feeling fulfilled because ending the relationship feels scarier than staying. Sometimes we become so focused on preserving the relationship that we stop asking a very important question: Is this relationship actually helping me build the life I want?
That brings me to another question worth exploring: What does being in a relationship mean to you? Beyond having a boyfriend, what are you hoping a relationship provides? Friendship? Emotional intimacy? Shared goals? Sexual connection? A sense of partnership? A future together? You mentioned that you cannot see a future with your boyfriend. I think anyone reading your question circled that part. That statement stands out to me far more than your thoughts about opening the relationship. If you genuinely cannot envision a future together, I would spend some time understanding why. Is it because of a specific issue that could potentially be addressed? Or is it because something fundamental about the relationship no longer feels aligned?
I am also curious whether you have talked to your boyfriend about any of this. Not necessarily about opening the relationship, but about your unhappiness. Research consistently shows that communication is one of the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction. Couples who can discuss difficult topics openly, express needs, and navigate conflict constructively tend to report higher levels of connection and long-term relationship stability. Yet many people spend months, sometimes years, carrying concerns internally while their partner has little idea how serious the situation has become. Having that conversation can feel terrifying. It might lead to difficult truths. It might reveal that there is room to repair and reconnect. It might reveal that the relationship has run its course. But avoiding the conversation rarely creates clarity. More often, it prolongs confusion.
I would also add that, personally, I think flexibility is just as important as communication in relationships. One of the biggest mistakes I see people make is assuming that the person they are today will be the exact same person they are five, ten, or twenty years from now. The reality is that none of us are static. Emily Nagoski often talks about how change is the only constant in relationships, and I think there is a lot of wisdom in that idea. Healthy relationships are not built on finding the perfect person and hoping nothing ever changes. They are built on two or more people who are willing to stay curious about one another and adapt as life unfolds. The question is not whether change will happen, because it will. Sometimes that growth brings people closer together. Sometimes it reveals that they want different things. Either way, flexibility allows us to respond to reality instead of clinging to a version of the relationship that no longer exists.
At the end of the day, you do not have to become polyamorous. You do not have to open your relationship. You do not have to stay in a relationship simply because you have invested time and energy into it. What you owe yourself is honesty. The question I would encourage you to sit with is not, “Should I open my relationship?” The question is, “If opening the relationship was not an option, what would I want to do?” Your answer may tell you everything you need to know.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
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