Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
My parents are both in their 80s and live in assisted living due to declining health. My father has a long-standing gambling addiction, and as trustee of the family trust, I regularly receive requests from him to cover his gambling debts. We finally had to say no, and since then, he has refused to speak to anyone in the family.
I’m concerned because this has also affected our relationship with my mother. We rarely get to see her now. In addition, my father is extremely negative. When we visit, he complains constantly—about the assisted living facility, the food, the staff, and even my mother while she’s sitting there listening. It’s uncomfortable and emotionally draining for everyone.
We only hear from them when we initiate contact; they rarely call or reach out. Over the years, I’ve made an effort to stay involved by visiting once or twice a month, and they seem to enjoy the visits. However, I often leave feeling exhausted by the negativity. My mother, on the other hand, has always been warm, positive, and kind. Unfortunately, her health has declined significantly, and she now struggles to communicate and often seems confused or disconnected. Given these circumstances, what would be the healthiest and most appropriate way for our family to move forward?
—Sad, But “Done”
Dear Sad But Done,
This sounds really hard and depressing. It’s made harder and more depressing by the reality that you’re definitely not going to change either your mom’s or dad’s mood or personality. That said, I have a couple of ideas that might take the negativity down a notch when you visit:
Bring another person as a buffer or distraction: another relative, a friend of yours, a kid, whoever. Your dad probably feels very comfortable around you, which means he’s happy to unleash his negativity. I bet he’s on better behavior around people he doesn’t know as well, people he wants to impress, and people who show up with their own plans outside of having a nice time connecting with him.
Get sentimental. Bring old photo albums. Interview your parents about their childhoods. Ask them for life lessons. This could take them out of the moment and make them feel honored and appreciated. Your mom might feel less confused if she’s talking about something that’s within her expertise, and your dad might get a boost from feeling heard. Plus, it will remind you that your time with them is limited and maybe make you feel more appreciative of it, however dreadful it may be.
Do something that you enjoy or feel good about during your visits. Maybe that’s trying a new recipe, watching a movie you love, going to a good restaurant, or FaceTiming family members you’ve been meaning to reconnect with. That way, even if your dad is kind of a jerk and your mom isn’t fully present, you will feel at least a little bit good about the way you spent your afternoon. And you’ll rely on them less to make it a good experience.
Then, plan something that you look forward to (even if it’s just calling a friend to chat on the way home or stopping to get your favorite cookie) after each visit so you can switch out of “Why are my parents like this?” mode and enjoy your life … until the next time.
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Dear Prudence,
My high school boyfriend and I were together for about a year before we broke up. The main reason for the breakup was that he wanted more freedom and to explore life, including experiences with other women. Even though he ended the relationship, he told me he still loves me, that I’m the person he has cared about most, and that he hopes we can get back together in the future.
We spent a lot of time talking about our future together while we were dating. I know we’re young and maybe those conversations shouldn’t carry as much weight as they do, but they meant a lot to me. Since the breakup, he has already had experiences with multiple women.
I still love him, and part of me hopes we eventually find our way back to each other. At the same time, I feel hurt and abandoned by his decision to leave. I’m struggling to balance those feelings with the hope that we could have a future together someday. Should I continue holding onto the possibility of getting back together, or should I treat the relationship as truly over and focus on moving on? If there is a chance of reconciliation in the future, how do I balance that hope without putting my own life on hold?
—Still Holding On
Dear Still Holding On,
I actually think telling yourself, “Maybe one day if the time is right, we’ll get back together,” is a perfectly fine way to make the end of a relationship feel more manageable. So go for it. Keep the possibility open in your mind. Just don’t let it shape your actions.
Jenée Desmond-Harris
Overnight, My Husband Became Convinced I Was Out to End His Life. What He Did Next Has Torn Our Family Apart.
Read More
By that I mean, absolutely don’t put any part of your life on hold. Hang onto hope, but pair it with the idea that if it is meant to be, you won’t have to work hard—or do anything at all—to make it happen. Also, block or mute him on social media and take a six-month break from talking to him to prevent your jealousy over his new partners from taking your attention away from your own life. Something tells me when that time is up, the possibility of a future with him won’t feel nearly as important.
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Dear Prudence,
My Employee Is Very Open About Her “Hobby.” Well, I Googled It and I Think Need to Go to HR.
Overnight, My Husband Became Convinced I Was Out to End His Life. What He Did Next Has Torn Our Family Apart.
I live in an apartment, and the couple that recently moved into the unit next to mine has sex loudly and endlessly late nearly every night. I have to get up early each morning to deal with a two-hour commute, and it goes without saying that this is the last thing I need. Would it be better to approach my new neighbors myself, or is this a matter for the manager?
—Sleepless in SoCal
Dear Sleepless,
It is traditional to start with a passive-aggressive note under the door and hope the couple is embarrassed enough that they quiet down. But the reality is that people are allowed to make noise, even X-rated noise. And part of living in an apartment is hearing it. While you’d be within your rights to record it and file a complaint, you really have to ask yourself whether you want to dedicate your energy to pursuing this option (and probably being frustrated when it doesn’t solve the problem) or if you’d rather just do some DIY soundproofing, test out some headphones in search of an option that’s comfortable enough to sleep in, and keep your eye on apartment listings.
Classic Prudie
I married my partner in a quiet online ceremony during COVID. I’m a man, she’s a woman, and we had decided beforehand that I would take her last name. We had a few reasons for this decision, one of them being that her name would sound like a famous comic book character (think “Lois Lane”) if she had taken mine. We didn’t mention this except to a few friends, since it didn’t seem like big news. My family never asked, and I never thought to mention it, so they heard about it for the first time on our wedding day when the officiant announced our names. They seemed shocked but were quiet at the time…
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