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Why I Went to a MENTAL HOSPITAL.



Why I Went to a MENTAL HOSPITAL.

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Hey guys…. This is my experience at the psych ward and the events leading up to that stay, I hope you appreciate it and just know that I have soooooo much more content NOT relating to this and I apologize for the delay to my Shane series! More coming soon, loveeee you!

ARTIST at 1:12:31 : @yoyokittybro.draws !!

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0:00 – Intro and I Saw the TV Glow

3:31 – Intro continued (no spoilers)

4:46 – My internet LORE and Smarcade Smaniacs

25:35 – My Ex Fiance

27:42 – GAY PANIC

30:44 – My OCD and GAY PANIC intertwine

37:39 – Thank You NOCD

40:05 – My weird ass COMPULSIONS continued

43:18 – Sexual Orientation CRAP

47:34 – THE BREAKUP

55:55 – THE MENTAL HOSPITAL

1:12:31 – Mental FREAKIN BREAK

1:27:52 – DAY 3

1:35:44 – leaving

1:38:16 – Final Thoughts

1:39:24 – THANK YOU PATRONS

View 31 Comments

31 Comments

  6. @Mariesoul6 on

    Nikki, I pray for strength for you and those who also relate to your story. I’m so sorry you experienced this. "Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest". Matthew 11:28 🙏💕 His love is unconditional. God bless

  9. @v4nyea on

    this help me bring light to some of my very obvious bipolar symptoms that’s i’ve always speculated as “normal” but you are an AMAZING person and you’re so strong for getting through this. i’ve had to check myself into a ward before and i hated it so much but it changed me for the better and finally got me on medication, i hope you’re doing better!!!!!

  11. @NightmareCryptid on

    The way that I Saw The TV Glow was also part of the catalyst for me sticking with ending an almost six year relationship and coming to terms with my sexuality is wild! I’ve spent the past year really building the life and future I want for myself and I’m really glad to see that you’re on the same path 💕

  14. @saintxendahlia on

    What the fuck is wrong with these men. I wasn't groomed thank god but in my first relationship I was 18 and he was 37 BRO I cant wrap my head around the shit these people think

  15. @8YNA on

    I struggle with religious// checking// magical thinking// rumination OCD and have been struggling with OCD since I was Liek… 5.. it’s like constant doubt chasing this temporary relief and it is. SO FRUSTRATING. like my brain is rage baiting me. It also doesn’t help that once a theme goes away ANOTHER SHOWS UP. and no matter how hard I try to rationalize my thinking—- that’s obviously not how OCD works 😞but it’s just like… ok.. well… let’s check again just to be sure! This’ll be the last time! I swear! in a way, it sort of works like addiction. Like if I couldn’t do my compulsions I would actually go insane, like extreme panic attacks bringing me to my knees, I immediately just want to self harm. I can’t even describe how horrific it was. But for the longest time, even as young as 4/5 that’s just how I thought, that’s just how I was. Very obsessive very compulsive very anxious. My OCD has gone through a lot of different themes through the past 14 years. the worst it ever got was around 2022-2023 to the point where I had been driven to psychosis. There was a year of my life where I was obsessed with looking the prettiest possible. And no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t stop fixating on it. I would have notes upon notes of all the things wrong with my appearance, I also dabbled in YouTube subliminals, I would have a list on my arms, written in sharpie, a list on my wall, a list on my phone, and I would have to carry the list with me at all times, and I would have to go through the notes like at least 10 times a day. As well as mental rumination and repeating the notes in my head. This would go on and on with like.. anything. It was like the only way I knew how to function. Obviously my OCD kept convincing myself that it’s the only way I’d feel safe. Like if I’m perfect. It’ll be perfect. If I do this… etc I had a notebook that I would check constantly AND I CARRIED THAT OCD JOUNRAL EVERYWHERE. Several lists, on my phone, in my journal, my brain, my computer, my phone had thousands upon thousands of pictures of instagram models. But I was so embarrassed to be so insecure. And I was in complete denial about even having OCD because I had convinced myself that I could rid myself of ALL imperfections and illness (including OCD) by—ironically enough–my OCD compulsions. the lists, photos, notes, mental rumination, everything. Took me about three years to get back to reality.
    So yeah… OCD is not just a perfectionist cleaning teehee I’m so quirky and organized” thing. It is by far, the worst thing I have ever have to deal with. I’m about to be 19 soon and I just feel so lost. Because I don’t know what I want anymore. Or who I am, without my compulsion, my lists. I am completely lost. And I have maybe one good day a week. Then I get sad. But I have to remind myself that there was a time where I had maybe one good day A YEAR. 🎉here’s to OCD recovery <3 stay strong

  16. @8YNA on

    The concept of having Chappell Roan contribute to your OCD compulsions is actually so funny I am so sorry 😭😭

  18. @ravenblushes on

    your transparency is so admirable, especially with everything you’ve been through. unfortunately what you struggled with and are, i relate to. thank you for opening up and creating such a safe beautiful space for people to heal and start conversations that were once felt forbidden (in some places)to be out in the open. thank you for not making us feel alone in bullshit that life brings us. in time,may you also move forward with light shoulders and a light heart. Take care!!🤍🫧🫧

  21. @CannibalPeaches on

    Crying and laughing watching this, so many different emotions but Nikki thank you for being vulnerable with us and making this video. It feels very relatable and close to home for me and probably many others. Wishing you the best <3

  22. @AlayneAdelaide on

    Hey so I finished watching this and I am really grateful you shared this story. I am so so glad you are still with us.
    I also appreciate the discussion of the difference types of OCD. Thank you!

  25. @lilo_gn3234 on

    As an 18 year old who's currently going through a rough time myself, this video was uncomfortably relatable. But i think recognizing that discomfort is relieving to know that I'm not alone. Im so grateful for creators who are so raw and transparent that this has helped me recognize putting myself first. I hope you're doing nothing but the best Nikki (if you are reading this) and you have inspired me so much.

  26. @lolobop on

    It’s so crazy to find out a youtuber you used to watch is a bad person… Honestly why am I surprised, this is a common thing

  28. @elissaferguson6753 on

    thank you for being so vulnerable here. i see a lot of echoes of things i've been through. i had a very different troubling too young sexual past, and different traumatic breakup with my best friend, but i see a lot of my story too. glad you got the help you needed. dating women and being in community with other queer women in so healing and wonderful, and i wish that very much for you when you're ready. thank you again, and if you want to do another video about outpatient stuff, i think that would be cool.