I’m an outlier in New Zealand men by seeking therapy. Only 6.6% of men have sought therapy in the last 12 months, according to the most recent NZ Health Survey – compared to 11% of women. Yet making the decision to “talk to someone” is just the first step.
I reached out to friend and psychologist Dr Thomas Whitfield, who routinely posts reels in Instagram about the perils of a therapist who isn’t the right fit. Had I given this psychologist a fair chance, I asked him. Over email he replied, “This is the part I think a lot of therapists forget, you are working as a team to help the client achieve their goals. This isn’t about what the therapist wants for them, it’s about what the client has said they want for themselves.”
I now see clicking with a therapist can be as tricky as finding the right romantic partner.
“Something I wish I’d learned earlier is that no therapist can work with everyone; with every personality or disorder,” Whitfield explained. “If they tell you that they can, they’re either lying to you or not being honest with themselves.”
This is “literally why specialisations exist,” he continued, but sadly, finding the right therapist with the right specialisation isn’t easy. The sought-after experts in their fields have months-long waitlists.
Getting in the door is one hurdle. Once you’ve engaged a therapist with a dedication that matches your personality and experience, there are red flags to look out for in your first few sessions. These are the key ones I saw waving at me, but ignored because I just needed someone to talk to.
You set the agenda
Vital to look out for is any counsellor or psychologist who seems to be pushing an agenda. I saw this happening multiple times, as the therapist repeatedly tried to get me to discuss mummy and daddy issues that weren’t there. Childhood trauma may have been their go-to area of interest, but not what I was paying to work through.
What’s more, no person should ever feel judged in therapy, either, whether through silence or pursed lips (as I experienced) or explicit denigration. We go to therapy to feel supported and guided. If, week after week, you don’t feel supported, pack your bags.
Agreeing isn’t helping
This isn’t to say a good psychologist or counsellor is there to tell you everything you do is right. Dr Whitfield thinks one of the biggest mistakes in modern therapy is the over-validation of a client’s every thought and emotion. Here flies another red flag. A therapist who blindly agrees with you and lets you carry on unchanged isn’t helping you. “Yes, validation is an important part of therapy,” he told me, “But so is challenging clients to think and behave differently.”
It’s a partnership
What does one do when they feel unsatisfied with their treatment after multiple sessions? The final straw in my relationship with my therapist came in the closing minutes of our sixth session together. As I re-stated my goals for therapy going forward, they went on the defensive for questioning their methods. “I’m the therapist here”, they grumbled at me. I knew trust had been shattered in that moment. What a suitable therapist would have done is found a way to work collaboratively. This is the most positive sign a therapist is a good fit: they are flexible. They take feedback on board and adjust their approach.
Looking back, I knew circa session three that this person wasn’t right for me. I pushed ahead because I had succumbed to the sunk cost fallacy. Now I see if you’re spending more than a month with someone and the chemistry isn’t there, move on. It’s okay to cut your losses.
I’ve since scoured dozens of psychologists’ profiles on the New Zealand Psychological Society’s website – which lists specialties – and found a therapist with a future-focussed approach. This practitioner is a hybrid of psychologist and coach, rather than someone who wants to do an archaeological dig on my childhood and leave me hanging.
This isn’t to say my previous six sessions were wasted. They showed me what I wasn’t looking for. If every romantic break-up identifies which red flags to avoid in your next relationship, each therapeutic break-up can do the same until you find a true match.