Shelby Stewart-Soldan
I recently received some unfortunate news: my therapist is retiring.
I’ve been seeing Gina for over four years, and in that time she helped me to get diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, and has helped me tackle many other things I deal with on a regular basis. She has been a great support for me, and I’ll miss our weekly chats.
Every week I sat down with my collection of nail polish and talked to her over the online platform I use. My thought process behind this is that women have been spilling their guts to their nail techs and hair stylists for years. As a little girl I would sometimes go with my mom to work, back when she was a hair stylist, and the customers always gossiped and laughed with the stylists. Then I’d go with my mom to the nail salon, where my mom would do the same with her nail tech.
In a similar vein, I always feel better and more put together when I have my nails done. So every week during therapy, I gathered my nail polish collection, painted my nails and talked to Gina. It felt natural, and it gave me enough time to sit still while my nails dried.
When I started seeing a therapist, I was going through a lot. And I remember thinking that I couldn’t handle it on my own anymore, and that life had to be better than that.
Unfortunately, I know there are many people who feel that way and don’t seek professional help. But I was not one of those people, so I sought out a therapist. I hope anyone who feels that way does the same, because truly, things can get better.
And to prove it, I’ll talk about some of the things Gina has helped me handle.
When I came to her with an inkling that I have ADHD, she very calmly said I might and gave me the questionnaire she uses for determining if someone has ADHD. Because I saw her virtually, she wasn’t able to diagnose me, but said it was a tool to take to my primary care doctor to seek a diagnosis if I wanted one.
In true ADHD fashion, I didn’t read the instructions before filling it out, which really should be one of the questions on it. Anyway, after I filled it out I went back and read what my results could mean, and lo and behold, my results meant I probably had ADHD. So I took that to my doctor, spoke to a psychiatrist, and got a formal diagnosis and started treatment.
I never knew how quiet my mind could be. That I could have one thought at a time without getting derailed, or that I could focus on a daunting task and actually accomplish it without hating every second of it.
She also helped me with my anxiety, which often goes hand-in-hand with ADHD. I went to her last year saying I’d been having trouble sleeping, waking up in the middle of the night with racing trains of thought and staying awake from that point on. Sometimes the thoughts were entirely mundane or pointless, like thinking about how I’d like to reorganize our filing system in our home office, but I couldn’t get them to stop no matter what I tried.
And she said based on our years together, she thought I probably had moderate anxiety, and to talk to my doctor about it. Again, I talked to my doctor, and I started a treatment plan. Imagine how surprised I was that it really was that simple. And guess what? I feel better. I’m less anxious, I sleep better, and I don’t panic like I used to.
Most of the time.
Another issue she has helped me handle is medical anxiety. I’ve never had an issue going to the doctor, but I have had intense needle-phobia since I was little. The last time I got a vaccine was in 2021 when I got the COVID vaccine at a local church that was holding a clinic.
I was so visibly upset, hyperventilating while I was waiting, that one of the volunteers came over and asked if she could pray for me. She was very kind, but I felt ridiculous.
Gina and I have discussed this at length, because I feel like it’s a phobia that disrupts my life, and she wanted to help me get to the root of the problem. I told her I wasn’t sure, but one of my earliest memories was kicking and screaming as I was held down to get a shot at the doctor. Even after that, any needle-related memory was painful and unpleasant. For instance, as a kid I was once in the hospital because I was severely dehydrated and couldn’t keep anything down, even water. The nurse tried to give me an IV, but she missed the vein in my right arm several times before moving to my left arm and getting it after three tries. I still get phantom pains in my inner elbows from that, and it’s been 20 years.
After several talks, Gina determined that the phobia doesn’t come from the logical part of my brain. Logically, I know that needles feel like a pinch, but the thought of getting a shot or getting blood drawn still sends me into a full-blown panic attack. She said it comes from what is, essentially, the muscle-memory part of my brain, probably from back before I even remember.
My mom and I went through a rough, emergency c-section delivery. As a side-note to anyone who watches The Pitt on HBO Max, the woman they give an emergency c-section to in the last episode? That’s how I was born. I had never seen that depicted before. My mom had HELLP syndrome, which went without being caught by her doctors until she was eight months pregnant. We both watch the show, and she called me after watching the episode saying she couldn’t believe we both lived through that.
Anyway, I was put in an oxygen tent. I don’t think they’re as commonly used anymore, but it was necessary at the time to keep me alive while doctors worked to keep my mom alive.
Gina said something that probably stuck deep down in my brain was the feeling of being alone in a new place, poked, prodded, and terrified because everything was unfamiliar and, at the time, it was literally the worst thing to happen to me.
And that is something I am still working through. But I’m getting there. The fact that I even watched a medical drama at all tells me that I’ve made progress, because I couldn’t even look at a needle or an IV without getting those phantom pains in my inner elbows. But Gina has gotten me to a point where I think I could handle getting my blood drawn, and has given me many tips and tricks to keep panic attacks at bay.
Why am I telling you all this? Well, I recently received news of someone I knew who lost their battle with their own mental health. Suicide or suicidal thoughts affect almost everyone in one way or another, and my hope by writing all of this is that someone out there will read it and decide to get the help they need.
By talking about my own mental health journey with my therapist, I hope it shows someone that whatever you’re struggling with, it can get better, and a mental health professional can help guide you. You don’t have to struggle alone.
Once I spent a session unloading my weekly struggles on Gina, mostly little things that were just bugging me and building up, and at one point she just asked, “Are you working on writing a book right now?”
I sighed and told her I had been, but not recently because I didn’t have the motivation, but I should probably try working on it.
She nodded and agreed that I should because, “You always feel better when you’re writing.”
And look at that, she was right. Writing does make me feel better. Maybe my writing will make you feel better too.
If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, call 988.