I was a weird kid.
I walked circles around the tables at lunch, had overenthusiastic and odd social mannerisms, and was suspected to be autistic before kindergarten (though not officially diagnosed until age 10 or 11).
I was lucky to have an uncle who told me quite a few times that you can do anything you put your mind to.
Being a literal kid, I remember asking, “Can I fly?” And he told me you can get on an airplane and fly. I took that to heart.
No matter what situation I’ve gotten into, if a problem has come up or a meaningful goal, I’ve found a way — no matter what anyone else had to say to me.
When I went through serious mental health symptoms and hospitalizations, I connected with a support group and WRAP class, meeting others who deal with these things to figure out how I could as well. When I was encouraged to apply for disability, I applied to college and took every opportunity from then on to encourage others living with mental health conditions to flourish.
If someone hadn’t taken me seriously or taught me to question what people tell me, like my uncle, I don’t know that I would have made it through my teen years, much less be a therapist, author, friend, or the human I am today.
Curious Kindness
I have come to understand the attitude that my uncle took towards me as curious kindness. I have seen aspects replicated in neurodiversity and mental health communities. It might sound simple: Just be a nice person. But when it comes to interacting with someone who might experience the world as radically different from you, it’s not so easy.
Curious kindness means having a genuine interest in what the world looks like behind another person’s eyes, valuing them, and sharing compassion. You don’t have to agree with them on everything; you don’t even have to feel like you are living in the same dimension as them, but in practicing curious kindness, you acknowledge them as a fellow human.
That means a lot. Especially for individuals who have had the experience of being written off by others, including many people living with mental health conditions.
Be So REAL
If you want to practice curious kindness, here are four steps.
R: Recognize that even if something someone shares is not real to you, it is real to them.
There are billions of perspectives in the world. Many people hold unusual beliefs. For people experiencing psychosis, these beliefs might be highly unusual, such as that they are traveling in time or the target of a conspiracy. Those thoughts are very real to the person having them. Similarly, they may be seeing, hearing, or interacting with things and people that you can’t. Like a dream, these voices and visions are sometimes immersive and distressing. Rarely is someone who is going through this in any way dangerous.
E: Enter the other person’s world through their eyes.
Some people might call this empathy, but I think this description is more accurate. If you can take the time to imagine what this person has to share must feel like behind their eyes, you’ll be in a much better spot to connect. You don’t have to feel sorry for them or only focus on the negative. Some people relay positive qualities of their extreme states or appreciate insights they have gained even after the fact. Still, some extra thought might be warranted if you have never been through what the person you are talking to has been through.
A: Ask what they need
People often have an intuitive sense of what they need. Sometimes it is just another person to hear their story; other times, someone needs something more tangible, like a place to live. No one expects you to be able or willing to grant every wish. Still, a genuine desire to alleviate suffering is the definition of compassion. That alone matters greatly.
L: Act like you always have
If you have known this person for a long time, you want to communicate like you always have. One of the hardest things for someone living with a mental health condition is to be treated differently by those around them. We are the same people we were before you knew of our diagnoses. We want you to be you.
Conclusion
Practicing curious kindness is something we can all do to create a more compassionate world, especially for those living with mental health conditions.