The Simple Habit for a Happier Social Life | Nicholas Epley | TED

It’s not unreasonable to believe that a lady in a red hat, after 1970, wants to be noticed. It’s likely your interaction was exactly what she needed. 😊

It’s better not to talk to a stranger on a long flight.

Chimps are highly social too. They kill one another- violently- they are bonding too.
We have 98% chimp DNA. Our DNA has not changed in thousands of years.
We're like breeds of a species. Some have more of the good genes in the DNA, some have the worst.
It's all here. George Carlin characterized it well: "were the only species that (brutally) kills members of its own species."
Explains why some choose to go it alone. Very rational..

Facts: Children in the US (and many other countries) are taught "Do not talk to strangers". Learn "Stranger Danger" but are too young to learn discernment. This fear is instilled at a very young age. Play dates are arranged, so children have friends and can socialize at convenient times for busy parents/families. Parents listen to True Crime podcasts in the car while driving kids to school, errands, etc. This messaging further reinforces these beliefs. Some parental protections lift as children become more independent teens and are left to deal with middle school trauma (ask any teacher). So how is something so ingrained for so long shifted? Data driven courage through re-education. But this is a scary risk that goes beyond everything ingrained since early childhood, reinforced through bullying, and further amplified during and after Covid.

My experience living in Belize was like a light went on. Children do speak with strangers, I asked a little kid where something was and they told me and pointed. I was driving a golf cart (common Belize mode of transportation) and 2 kids got in the back for a ride to the market at the other end of the village. I had many conversations with groups of kids and teens since I walked most places. Children there speak 2-3 languages so communication is easier – especially in a place heavily dependent upon tourism. In the US, if I wave to a little kid they turn away – I live on a bike path so people are always passing by.

There are places in the US that are very open, friendly and welcoming to visitors, people who've recently relocated to the area and people of all ages. I just moved from a city that was the opposite with so much resentment for anyone new moving in. That city needed help to get out of its doldrums. It was a very unpleasant place to live. 

So now, as adults we're expected to have an ability to use our intuition to know who may be open to a conversation vs. using our (unreliable) judgment. Intuition is powerful but often suppressed growing up. So we are forced to rely on trial and error and trust that the Data Driven Courage is on our side. But, what do we say? How do we gracefully exit a conversation that doesn't naturally end at a train stop? How do we pull someone out of a 'misery loves company' rabbit hole and shift the conversation onto something less energy draining? This is where we landed. It's easier to doom scroll and silently roll through an exhausting range of emotions than to do what is diametrically opposed to what we've been taught and has been reinforced throughout the development and beyond stages of life. Thank you for attending my unintentional TED Ramble

It's all nice and well but now let's think WHY this happens. This "pessimism" is not just an illusion ingrained in our brain "for some reason", this is a result of our experience, collective experience. I think many people will agree with me that if a stranger tries to talk to you you won't be elated but alert and scared instead, bc the likelihood of it being a scammer/creep/shady person etc etc is overwhelmingly higher than it being just a person who likes to chat. Bc all our experiences point to that. There's nothing wrong with being alert when a stranger approaches you, stranger danger is very beneficial for individual survival. Especially in our time where personal experiences of strangers not being dangerous tend to approach 0, so our brain doesn't even consider the possibility of it to be different. Also bothering others without a definive reason isn't socially acceptable bc the other person is likely not ready currently to hold a conversation and will be uncomfortable with that. For example I'm uncomfortable 100% of the time someone tries to talk to me.
I'd also like to talk regarding myself a bit. I have social anxiety and extremely poor social skills. 99% of the time I have no idea how to naturally hold a conversation and I'm rather failing at that, so I would rather spare myself the shame of being embarrassed in front of another person by starting the conversation and being unable to hold it after that. Also I witnessed similar incidents countless times where people would start a conversation with a stranger and most of the time the stranger reacts in passive aggressive or similar way clearly uncomfortable and wanting this to end. Regarding my social anxiety as well: people started talking to me several times in public places and I was absolutely terrified EVERY time. I am always shaking for half an hour if not more after that. Not bc I'm paranoid that it's a murderer or something, just any unexpected (and truthfully, expected as well) social interaction drains me enormously. So it's not "pessimism", I KNOW I will be in fight or flight response after that and I would rather be by myself. Also sometimes I do master up courage to compliment others on their appearance and 90% of the time I either get weird looks or awkward expression with the person hastily turning their head away from my direction. So as I said our behavior and, if talking about myself, my behavior is centered not around mere speculations, but around actual life experiences.

I was on the train yesterday and heard the most wonderful conversation between strangers. A group of us passengers were crammed into the space between carriages, all the seats taken. The first hour of the journey was silent, everyone keeping to themselves. But from the silence a younger girl with a quivering voice beckons an old man for advice. “well thats a tough one” he says, before going on to talk how the little choices we make can drastically change our lives. The girl opens up a bit more about her situation, being in love with someone she couldn’t be with. And then another man, maybe in his 30s is invited into the conversation, and I wont forget looking up and seeing the girl look this stranger in the eyes and ask “what do you think? can you fall in love more than once?” and what followed was a real heart to heart between 3 strangers, each at different stages in life, each from different ethnic backgrounds if that matters and it was such a beautiful thing to witness. What could have been lost had they closed themselves off.

Perhaps why people rely on alcohol to remove their inhibitions to start social connections

Imagine if your job is a Call Center agent and you take 450 phone calls per day – all you do is talk. All day.
And the train ride is your ONLY time that you don't have to talk. It's your quiet time. It's the time to yourself.
And some dude wants to chat with you and won't leave you alone…

2:25 yeah because its not safe to talk to guys, most of them are not like you

I've been approached by too many people in the street wanting to sell me smthg or just ask for money to believe the next person just wants to talk or needs help with directions. It happens, but so rarely.

I'm happy with a polite good morning, or even a short exchange over the amusing thing we just saw in the coffee queue. But dont have the energy or interest for anything deeper. And dont get me started on huggers who insist that there's no auch thing as a non-hugger

Wow what beautiful courage and humanity!

I used to be a "backroom" techie, and lived in my own exclusive bubble .. until, at age 30, I started to climb out of my bubble, and have never looked back. I habitually talk with strangers now, wherever I happen to be, and in particular, with children. Sure, some people do not appreciate the "intrusion", but I have an 80/20 rule in all aspects of my life; and I am content with 80% that respond positively. It has totally enriched my life. I am 71 now.

Tired of extraverts. Not everyone is like you or should be like you please understand that.